最远的地方是永远

i once read that when a child loses his parent, he loses his past. when a parent loses his child, he loses his future.

today, i witnessed the loss of somebody's past and somebody's future.

i think i can understand the pain. i have been through the grief. but for everyone, the experience is different. if you have not been through any of these, just imagine your loved one going to a very far away place. you will never be able to hear her voice, see her face, or feel her touch. it's not the distance that scares you. it's the "never" that terrifies you and steal your sleep.

how can we ever live through this? when my dad left so suddenly, i did not cry because i wanted to. i cried because i couldn't stop myself. i knew the grief and the guilt would come to an end, but i did not know when. i waited and waited. and waited. until i got tired, and i knew that i had exams waiting ahead. there was still a future ahead, a future which was worth fighting for.

but that is just my own story. i cannot imagine how a parent will feel. i cannot even imagine the depth of their pain or the breadth of their guilt over their lost child. i cannot imagine what a social worker can do or say when something like this hits our clients. i cannot imagine because the parents are right - i have not been there and i cannot tell them how to deal with it.

but as for those i can console, i want to assure them that the pain will come to pass - or at least the intensity of it. it may take weeks, months or even years. it may take you many sleepless nights, or endless hours. it may take you one good getaway, or many soul-searching trips. it may take you one litre of tears, or one journal of scribblings. it may take one God to heal you, or many hands to support you. but the worst will be over, and you will be stronger.

my dear, you will be stronger and life must go on.

today i ended my five-year relationship

(before you jump into conclusion...)

with my insurance agent.

he found that i was cheating on him because i actually engaged another agent from the same company to get me additional policies to beef up my empty portfolio. well, to be frank, i did not plan to "dumb" him. in fact i was already planning to approach him but somebody cut in and sealed the deal instead. and as many of you already know, i am bad at saying no. so a series of events unfolded, and i ended up signing up with a random agent on the street - just like how i did with my ex-agent five years ago.

while he sounded terribly disappointed with my action, i wanted to tell him straight in his face that it was his own fault that he stood up on me twice in the four years that he tried to meet me. when he finally met me for the long overdue once-a-year servicing, i could sense that he has indeed become much more knowledgeable and established; but there was hardly any sincerity or human touch. you could say that in the past two months, i've met my new agent twice as many times as i've met him in all five years. so even though he may be a manager now with a huge clientele base and much more experience, i feel that the only customer service rendered were the annual christmas and birthday cards (probably written by his assistant). what a sad relationship.

so when he proposed for me to either transfer all my new policies to him, or for him to hand over my old policy to my new agent, i rang my new agent, and she was willing to take over my old policies. i doubt she would get any of the commission since most of the commission is handed out during the first few years of inception, but i won't be surprised if she had expected this to happen. you know, all's fair in love and war, and in the insurance industry.

but anyhow, i hope my agent doesn't chuck me aside the moment she gets her share of the pie. you could say that just like anyone else, i'm taking a gamble that the new relationship would be better than the last one. and i feel that it's going to be.

dirty toilets strike back

today, let us talk about dreams.

no, i'm not referring to your ambition, your retirement plans or life long dreams. we can save that for another day. i'm talking about the dreams that takes over your mind when you're asleep.

a couple of days ago, i was just chatting with my friends about recurring dreams. one of them frequently dreams about falling down from a tall building. another used to dream about turning up in school, only to find that she was wearing her pajamas. most recurring dream reflects our anxieties and insecurities. for me, one of my most frequent dreams as a child was flying away.

yet, i adored my flying dreams because they always gave me a sense of exhilaration. in my dream, people would always be trying to catch me for something which i did not do. and in fear, my natural response would be to levitate and escape out of the window. sometimes when there were no windows, i would have to run along a clear road and slowly lift off, like how an aeroplane takes off on the runway. the most exciting part of my dream would be when i'm up in the air and laughing at everyone chasing after me on the ground.

well, while the dream always began in anxiety, it usually ended well. however, it was not until two nights ago when i was reminded of my other recurring dreams - the unpleasant ones.

since my teenage years, i started having recurring dreams of being kidnapped by strangers in a foreign land, dying in an accident, getting stuck in very dirty toilets. two nights ago, my dirty-toilet dream came back with a vengeance to terrify me.

the dream began with me visiting an old friend at his place. somehow along the way, i had to go and ease myself so i went to his bathroom. and somehow there was so much toilet paper stuck in his toilet bowl that i couldn't flush down and the water started to overflow. i tried to escape from the bathroom, but i realised the door was stuck. i couldn't escape, and i was dying of fright (if not from the contamination). when i jerked out of the dream, i almost wanted to call my friend to scold him. it was too real.

and just yesterday, i was unfortunate enough to experience something not too far from my horrifying nightmare. yesterday morning, i was down with diarrhoea but having been through too many diarrhoeas in the past year, i brushed it off and went ahead to work. another reason why i wanted to go to work was because my centres were having some event at the stadium and i did not want to miss it.

so the morning passed by quite swiftly and peacefully. when the lunch time came and i happily gobbled down the packed bento in hunger. and soon before two hours were up, the churning started and i found myself unable to hold my bowels. i rushed to the toilet immediately. but to my horror, the toilet was one of the filthiest one i've seen (in real life)

the floor was strewn with toilet paper and grass, the room stank of urine, and everywhere was wet and slippery. the scene was taken straight out of my dream.

of cos, i had no choice. i was at my wit's end. i had to use the toilet or risk doing it in my jeans (yes, i was wearing long pants.) the experience was petrifying, multiplied too many times.

and so, the rest was history and i do not want to bore or disgust you with the intricate details. while i can't control what i dream about, i swear the next time i'm down with diarrhoea, i am staying put at home.

too late for you and your white horse to come around

stumbled upon this video when I was looking for a song with a somewhat similar title:



with a flawless live singing, it is no wonder why she's such a pop sensation.