ever since i set my mind on my new year resolution, it has been a battle between the mind and the temptations, the body and the aches, the present urges and the future remunerations.
while the task of increasing my output has been easy and enjoyable, the task of decreasing my intake has been challenging and cumbersome. it means giving up a lot of my favourite things - from sugar-laden snacks such as bubble tea, cakes, chocolate chip cookies, ben & jerry's ice cream to unhealthy savory dishes such as chinese rojak, laksa yong tau hu, nasi lemak, and chicken rice. on good days, the nauseating sense of aversion towards these sinful stuff comes naturally. but on bad days, i have to struggle with the lure of my previously frequented food stalls and the ill intentions of people who try to foil my plans (yes, you can call it a cognitive distortion on my part!)
hardly anyone supports me in my serious pursuit for a healthy lifestyle and a healthy BMI (possibly another cognitive distortion!). i see their encouragement as pretentious, their praise as half-hearted and their comments as mockery (definitely a cognitive distortion!). they call me at best obsessed, at worst extremist. but just like everyone else (and you included), i have been so taken in by the media's definition of beauty. i cannot allow myself to go back to where i was before. and since i cannot make myself any taller, i can only make myself smaller.
in order to ensure some success, i must go into hiding. and i must do it quietly, and best alone.
30.3.10
8.3.10
a weed amongst the flowers, a shrub amongst the trees
tonight is one of those times when i feel really lousy about myself.
my weight has been stagnant; my appetite has grown to become insatiable; my knees has deteriorated over the past few days; my legs are still fat; my complexion has worsen; and my hair is becoming more frayed and wavy.
in other words, i feel totally defeated, totally diffident about myself.
sometimes, i wished i could easily chop off a few pounds of my flabby flesh, but if this was possible, antonio would have lost his one pound of flesh to shylock in merchant of venice. i wished i could alter my genes to have good skin and straight hair. if this was possible, there would be more of anton freeman and less of vincent freeman from gattaca. i wished i could paste a medicated plaster that would get rid of my knee pain instantaneously. if this was possible, sophie hatter would not have encountered the scarecrow in howl's moving castle.
but the sad truth is, science isn't always able to conquer nature. what was unachievable hundred years ago, remains unachievable today. and what's unattainable today, may remain unattainable forever.
for now, what i really want is a miracle pill. one that would either morph me into perfection, or make me a more contented person.
my weight has been stagnant; my appetite has grown to become insatiable; my knees has deteriorated over the past few days; my legs are still fat; my complexion has worsen; and my hair is becoming more frayed and wavy.
in other words, i feel totally defeated, totally diffident about myself.
sometimes, i wished i could easily chop off a few pounds of my flabby flesh, but if this was possible, antonio would have lost his one pound of flesh to shylock in merchant of venice. i wished i could alter my genes to have good skin and straight hair. if this was possible, there would be more of anton freeman and less of vincent freeman from gattaca. i wished i could paste a medicated plaster that would get rid of my knee pain instantaneously. if this was possible, sophie hatter would not have encountered the scarecrow in howl's moving castle.
but the sad truth is, science isn't always able to conquer nature. what was unachievable hundred years ago, remains unachievable today. and what's unattainable today, may remain unattainable forever.
for now, what i really want is a miracle pill. one that would either morph me into perfection, or make me a more contented person.
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