this year, my mum is not going to be around for mothers' day.
she has resigned from her job and gone to a foreign land for a well-deserved break! for the past 15 years, she has single-handedly raised us up from a mediocre primary school to our privileged secondary schools and junior college, and on to university. now that we've successfully transited into adulthood and the workforce, i think it's time for her to take the backseat and let us take over the wheel.
my mum often complains that we don't know how she feels, or how difficult it is to be a single mother. sometimes, she would lose her temper out of the blue, or shout at us in frustration. i know it's tough, but i didn't know how tough it is - until yesterday.
last night, after one full day of work and two hours of intensive yoga, i reached home at 11.38pm with an aching body and a tired mind.
i dumped all my things on the couch, unpacked my gym clothes, and walked to the bathroom, only to see a load of dirty smelly laundry waiting for me. i thought, okay let me wash the clothes now. but i looked up to the kitchen ceiling and saw multiple rows of clothes hanging on the bamboo poles, waiting for somebody to keep. so i thought, okay let me keep the clothes first. i took down all the clothes, separated them into those that requires ironing and those which did not. i folded those that didn't require ironing, and placed them back to their respective wardrobe. by then, i was already perspiring despite having bathed at the gym before i came home. i was sticky with sweat, and i still have not washed the dirty laundry, nor ironed my clothes.
that was when i realised how difficult it is to juggle between work and domestic chores. that was when i understood why my mum would sometimes flare up when she returns home from work upon seeing an unkempt house. that was when i truly appreciate the presence of my mum, and all the labour that she has put in over the years.
now that i have a taste of how it feels like, i want to pen down these feelings and thoughts. because one day, my mum will grow old, and she may become ill, weak, or dependent. i may have to take care of her, and do many things for her. but i hope whatever i do for her in the future, i would never forget this day when i experienced the frustration that she's felt for the past 15 years, and remember that she did it all for the love of the family.
2.5.10
bidding the round face goodbye!
(be prepared to see shocking photos of the author in this post..)
yesterday when i was looking through some of my old photos on my facebook, i was appalled, if not disgusted to find a ball hanging on my head. my face was so round that i think it would have rolled off my neck if i hadn't done something about it! haha, if you don't believe me, read on:
this was yours truly in mid 2006, during ISIS hatters' day (a busking event which i did to raise funds for singapore heart foundation) - a very revolting picture i'd say. i swear you can blackmail me with this photo on my wedding day (which will happen in about ten years' time perhaps!)
mid 2007, during arts club elections - thankfully i lost a little weight between mid to end 2006 due to rag and post-mc blues:
mid 2008, a selca i took when i was doing the UM-NUS module - bad complexion aside, i think my chin was actually quite sharp! :D but that was thanks to the severe diarrhea i had when i was in malaysia:
mid 2009, during my commencement - yes i put on weight in my final year due to thesis and exam stress! ):
and finally now, after i made a new year resolution, and stuck to it (i couldn't find an individual photo!):
well, there is no shortcut to looking good/better. but if i were to narrow it to one single factor, i'd say that self-discipline is the key to success. persevere and control your cravings but at the same time, don't be too hard on yourself. set realistic goals in very small steps, and whatever you do, remember that it has to be sustainable over a period of time.
here's wishing all my fellow flabby friends all the best! :D
yesterday when i was looking through some of my old photos on my facebook, i was appalled, if not disgusted to find a ball hanging on my head. my face was so round that i think it would have rolled off my neck if i hadn't done something about it! haha, if you don't believe me, read on:
this was yours truly in mid 2006, during ISIS hatters' day (a busking event which i did to raise funds for singapore heart foundation) - a very revolting picture i'd say. i swear you can blackmail me with this photo on my wedding day (which will happen in about ten years' time perhaps!)
mid 2007, during arts club elections - thankfully i lost a little weight between mid to end 2006 due to rag and post-mc blues:
mid 2008, a selca i took when i was doing the UM-NUS module - bad complexion aside, i think my chin was actually quite sharp! :D but that was thanks to the severe diarrhea i had when i was in malaysia:
mid 2009, during my commencement - yes i put on weight in my final year due to thesis and exam stress! ):
and finally now, after i made a new year resolution, and stuck to it (i couldn't find an individual photo!):
well, there is no shortcut to looking good/better. but if i were to narrow it to one single factor, i'd say that self-discipline is the key to success. persevere and control your cravings but at the same time, don't be too hard on yourself. set realistic goals in very small steps, and whatever you do, remember that it has to be sustainable over a period of time.
here's wishing all my fellow flabby friends all the best! :D
13.4.10
Burma Murmur
I know the title doesn't quite make sense, but I just wanted to share my joy and excitement -
I am going Burma in June! :D (okay, this is the main point and you can skip the rest of the post)
A colleague of mine was asking me, "why Burma?" and my reply was simple - because i had to drop my thailand-laos plan for the sake of my own safety (to spare my ears from the incessant nagging from my mum).
well, I guess myanmar wasn't exactly my first choice. i considered doing Kunming - Dali - Lijiang - Shangri la - Yuanyang but that is beyond my meagre budget of (hopefully) less than one grand. I contemplated India (especially with my new obsession with yoga - imagine going to the renown schools for classes! :O ) but my guts would never take me there alone. Taiwan is on my travel plans for this year, but I wanted to save that for the later part of the year.
so i spent many sleepless nights worrying about a june holiday that may not come to pass. I was afraid with nowhere to go, I really had to stay in Singapore (which I thought wouldn't be too bad since I can still take leave and attend many yoga classes in a day... ...okay I'm kidding!) until one random night when I was sulking over the limitations of my bank account and the restrictions I have as a lone female traveller, my brother said to me, "why don't you go to myanmar? it's a beautiful country."
and then the lightbulb lit up. within one week, I did a feasibility, accessibility and affordability check on the country, and the verdict was favourable. I started looking at lonely planet, travelfish, rough guides and online forums for information on tourist attractions, and drew up a rough itinerary. with a skeleton plan in mind, I was almost ready to go, except I had the hardest task ahead - getting my mum to give me her "blessings" for the trip.
if you had been a teenager once (yes, that makes all of you), you will understand the concept of "choosing the right time to request for something/ break bad news to your parents". when you fail your finals, or want your parents to get you the latest gadget on the market, I'm sure you would take careful calculated steps to make sure the time is right so that you can increase your rate of success by a handsome margin.
so all I did was to adhere to this golden rule. last night, when I was helping my mum buy her own tickets for her vacation in may, I tactfully sneaked in a comment in the most casual manner that I can - "by the way, I'm thinking of going to Myanmar in June..." Well, the key is to sound as tentative, as unsure as you can be - as if you are seeking opinion, and not announcing an already-made decision - even though you may have decided beforehand that you will go ahead anyway (I think our government is quite skilled in this technique)
my mum kept quiet for a while (I may have caught her by surprise) before she replied, "when are you thinking of going?" and there, I knew I had it! silence means consent, and I took her lack of immediate objection as an affirmative reply!
so with that hesitant nod from my mother, I jumped to my feet this morning, went ahead to ask my boss, apply for leave and purchase the air ticket.
and finally, I am off for my third solo trip in a couple of weeks' time! wish me luck and good weather!
I am going Burma in June! :D (okay, this is the main point and you can skip the rest of the post)
A colleague of mine was asking me, "why Burma?" and my reply was simple - because i had to drop my thailand-laos plan for the sake of my own safety (to spare my ears from the incessant nagging from my mum).
well, I guess myanmar wasn't exactly my first choice. i considered doing Kunming - Dali - Lijiang - Shangri la - Yuanyang but that is beyond my meagre budget of (hopefully) less than one grand. I contemplated India (especially with my new obsession with yoga - imagine going to the renown schools for classes! :O ) but my guts would never take me there alone. Taiwan is on my travel plans for this year, but I wanted to save that for the later part of the year.
so i spent many sleepless nights worrying about a june holiday that may not come to pass. I was afraid with nowhere to go, I really had to stay in Singapore (which I thought wouldn't be too bad since I can still take leave and attend many yoga classes in a day... ...okay I'm kidding!) until one random night when I was sulking over the limitations of my bank account and the restrictions I have as a lone female traveller, my brother said to me, "why don't you go to myanmar? it's a beautiful country."
and then the lightbulb lit up. within one week, I did a feasibility, accessibility and affordability check on the country, and the verdict was favourable. I started looking at lonely planet, travelfish, rough guides and online forums for information on tourist attractions, and drew up a rough itinerary. with a skeleton plan in mind, I was almost ready to go, except I had the hardest task ahead - getting my mum to give me her "blessings" for the trip.
if you had been a teenager once (yes, that makes all of you), you will understand the concept of "choosing the right time to request for something/ break bad news to your parents". when you fail your finals, or want your parents to get you the latest gadget on the market, I'm sure you would take careful calculated steps to make sure the time is right so that you can increase your rate of success by a handsome margin.
so all I did was to adhere to this golden rule. last night, when I was helping my mum buy her own tickets for her vacation in may, I tactfully sneaked in a comment in the most casual manner that I can - "by the way, I'm thinking of going to Myanmar in June..." Well, the key is to sound as tentative, as unsure as you can be - as if you are seeking opinion, and not announcing an already-made decision - even though you may have decided beforehand that you will go ahead anyway (I think our government is quite skilled in this technique)
my mum kept quiet for a while (I may have caught her by surprise) before she replied, "when are you thinking of going?" and there, I knew I had it! silence means consent, and I took her lack of immediate objection as an affirmative reply!
so with that hesitant nod from my mother, I jumped to my feet this morning, went ahead to ask my boss, apply for leave and purchase the air ticket.
and finally, I am off for my third solo trip in a couple of weeks' time! wish me luck and good weather!
30.3.10
giving up on my favourite things
ever since i set my mind on my new year resolution, it has been a battle between the mind and the temptations, the body and the aches, the present urges and the future remunerations.
while the task of increasing my output has been easy and enjoyable, the task of decreasing my intake has been challenging and cumbersome. it means giving up a lot of my favourite things - from sugar-laden snacks such as bubble tea, cakes, chocolate chip cookies, ben & jerry's ice cream to unhealthy savory dishes such as chinese rojak, laksa yong tau hu, nasi lemak, and chicken rice. on good days, the nauseating sense of aversion towards these sinful stuff comes naturally. but on bad days, i have to struggle with the lure of my previously frequented food stalls and the ill intentions of people who try to foil my plans (yes, you can call it a cognitive distortion on my part!)
hardly anyone supports me in my serious pursuit for a healthy lifestyle and a healthy BMI (possibly another cognitive distortion!). i see their encouragement as pretentious, their praise as half-hearted and their comments as mockery (definitely a cognitive distortion!). they call me at best obsessed, at worst extremist. but just like everyone else (and you included), i have been so taken in by the media's definition of beauty. i cannot allow myself to go back to where i was before. and since i cannot make myself any taller, i can only make myself smaller.
in order to ensure some success, i must go into hiding. and i must do it quietly, and best alone.
while the task of increasing my output has been easy and enjoyable, the task of decreasing my intake has been challenging and cumbersome. it means giving up a lot of my favourite things - from sugar-laden snacks such as bubble tea, cakes, chocolate chip cookies, ben & jerry's ice cream to unhealthy savory dishes such as chinese rojak, laksa yong tau hu, nasi lemak, and chicken rice. on good days, the nauseating sense of aversion towards these sinful stuff comes naturally. but on bad days, i have to struggle with the lure of my previously frequented food stalls and the ill intentions of people who try to foil my plans (yes, you can call it a cognitive distortion on my part!)
hardly anyone supports me in my serious pursuit for a healthy lifestyle and a healthy BMI (possibly another cognitive distortion!). i see their encouragement as pretentious, their praise as half-hearted and their comments as mockery (definitely a cognitive distortion!). they call me at best obsessed, at worst extremist. but just like everyone else (and you included), i have been so taken in by the media's definition of beauty. i cannot allow myself to go back to where i was before. and since i cannot make myself any taller, i can only make myself smaller.
in order to ensure some success, i must go into hiding. and i must do it quietly, and best alone.
8.3.10
a weed amongst the flowers, a shrub amongst the trees
tonight is one of those times when i feel really lousy about myself.
my weight has been stagnant; my appetite has grown to become insatiable; my knees has deteriorated over the past few days; my legs are still fat; my complexion has worsen; and my hair is becoming more frayed and wavy.
in other words, i feel totally defeated, totally diffident about myself.
sometimes, i wished i could easily chop off a few pounds of my flabby flesh, but if this was possible, antonio would have lost his one pound of flesh to shylock in merchant of venice. i wished i could alter my genes to have good skin and straight hair. if this was possible, there would be more of anton freeman and less of vincent freeman from gattaca. i wished i could paste a medicated plaster that would get rid of my knee pain instantaneously. if this was possible, sophie hatter would not have encountered the scarecrow in howl's moving castle.
but the sad truth is, science isn't always able to conquer nature. what was unachievable hundred years ago, remains unachievable today. and what's unattainable today, may remain unattainable forever.
for now, what i really want is a miracle pill. one that would either morph me into perfection, or make me a more contented person.
my weight has been stagnant; my appetite has grown to become insatiable; my knees has deteriorated over the past few days; my legs are still fat; my complexion has worsen; and my hair is becoming more frayed and wavy.
in other words, i feel totally defeated, totally diffident about myself.
sometimes, i wished i could easily chop off a few pounds of my flabby flesh, but if this was possible, antonio would have lost his one pound of flesh to shylock in merchant of venice. i wished i could alter my genes to have good skin and straight hair. if this was possible, there would be more of anton freeman and less of vincent freeman from gattaca. i wished i could paste a medicated plaster that would get rid of my knee pain instantaneously. if this was possible, sophie hatter would not have encountered the scarecrow in howl's moving castle.
but the sad truth is, science isn't always able to conquer nature. what was unachievable hundred years ago, remains unachievable today. and what's unattainable today, may remain unattainable forever.
for now, what i really want is a miracle pill. one that would either morph me into perfection, or make me a more contented person.
27.2.10
旅行的意义
i noticed that there is something seriously wrong with me, so i took a long walk home today to brood over it.
it all started when i abandoned adolescence for the cold and harsh days of adulthood. adolescence was a time to establish one's identity, to discover one's interests, to sculpt one's future. because these tasks were so herculean, i couldn't do it on my own. i needed some emotional and moral support to help me along. because i didn't have much connection with my family back then, i relied heavily on my friends to give me the strength to work through my problems.
so adolescence turned out to be short and sweet, fast and furious, exciting and erratic. when it was time for the transition into adulthood, i was cognitively ready but emotionally devastated. but i couldn't stop it because i couldn't get off the travelator of time. so i moved on, like everybody did. and that was when i started to evolve.
with the end of adolescence, i started to realise that i could cope increasingly with less peers, less talk, and less social engagement. friends peers and acquaintances, the saving grace of my youth, were no longer the only pillar of my existence. as i indulged more frequently in solitude, i began to relish the quiet moments with myself. gradually, before i knew it, my need for personal space surpassed my desire for a human connection.
gradually, elusiveness and reclusiveness became traits that i increasingly yearned for. if my heart were a square, my need for personal space is a tight circle that stretches from edge to edge of the square, leaving only the little corners for my closest groups of friends and nobody else. i find the thought of committing to somebody so frightening. i find the thought of entertaining an acquaintance so dreadful. i find the act of pretense so repulsive.
so i shift from shell to shell, sanctuary to sanctuary, keeping the entry exclusive to only a handful of people. but today i realised that maybe i have been too selfish. maybe i have been too narrow-minded. maybe i have been too self-centred. maybe some things are meant to be shared. maybe i should consider the feelings of others more. maybe i should be more open. maybe it's time to change.
in the days ahead, i need to take the first step. i will start to draw a smaller circle around myself. and to commemorate this, i will end with a song that speaks to my heart. i like the lyrics not because i empathise with the voice in the song, but because i identify with the feelings of the addressee.
i need to break away from these feelings. i need to break away from the need to break away.
and before the song ends, allow me to weep for the imminent loss of my selfhood.
it all started when i abandoned adolescence for the cold and harsh days of adulthood. adolescence was a time to establish one's identity, to discover one's interests, to sculpt one's future. because these tasks were so herculean, i couldn't do it on my own. i needed some emotional and moral support to help me along. because i didn't have much connection with my family back then, i relied heavily on my friends to give me the strength to work through my problems.
so adolescence turned out to be short and sweet, fast and furious, exciting and erratic. when it was time for the transition into adulthood, i was cognitively ready but emotionally devastated. but i couldn't stop it because i couldn't get off the travelator of time. so i moved on, like everybody did. and that was when i started to evolve.
with the end of adolescence, i started to realise that i could cope increasingly with less peers, less talk, and less social engagement. friends peers and acquaintances, the saving grace of my youth, were no longer the only pillar of my existence. as i indulged more frequently in solitude, i began to relish the quiet moments with myself. gradually, before i knew it, my need for personal space surpassed my desire for a human connection.
gradually, elusiveness and reclusiveness became traits that i increasingly yearned for. if my heart were a square, my need for personal space is a tight circle that stretches from edge to edge of the square, leaving only the little corners for my closest groups of friends and nobody else. i find the thought of committing to somebody so frightening. i find the thought of entertaining an acquaintance so dreadful. i find the act of pretense so repulsive.
so i shift from shell to shell, sanctuary to sanctuary, keeping the entry exclusive to only a handful of people. but today i realised that maybe i have been too selfish. maybe i have been too narrow-minded. maybe i have been too self-centred. maybe some things are meant to be shared. maybe i should consider the feelings of others more. maybe i should be more open. maybe it's time to change.
in the days ahead, i need to take the first step. i will start to draw a smaller circle around myself. and to commemorate this, i will end with a song that speaks to my heart. i like the lyrics not because i empathise with the voice in the song, but because i identify with the feelings of the addressee.
i need to break away from these feelings. i need to break away from the need to break away.
and before the song ends, allow me to weep for the imminent loss of my selfhood.
24.2.10
wanted for life
if you see your face in this picture, you are wanted.
you are wanted for producing an imitation of a macbook, for forging a driving license, for printing an invalid air ticket, for stealing somebody's (hot) body and for making a camera that doesn't work.
you are also wanted for stopping my breath (for a few seconds), for causing me to go hysterical, and for making me break my secret bao yang regime last night (didn't sleep before 12midnight )): )
due to the atrocities of the above crimes, i find you guilty as charged and you shall be detained without a trial. you are sentenced to stand by me for the next 56 years (given current estimate of the life expectancy of a Singaporean female). and during this life imprisonment, you shall live in the cells of my heart.
no appeal is allowed, so be prepared to put up with the harsh conditions ahead. thank you for your kind attention.
21.2.10
going back on my words
forgive me if updates have been scarce.
my laptop refuses to cooperate. its fan wouldn'http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=14103796&postID=7636907158409523189t start up, so sometimes i may not be able to switch it on for days. i can't blog during work, but thankfully i can still check my email accounts.
anyway, now that i managed to get my laptop working, i thought i'd squeeze out a post because i won't know if these would be the final words that i'd be typing on this computer. don't expect a lengthy post because it's 2am and way past my bedtime. so here we go...
in the recent year, i have been taking back many of the words that i'd said before.
for example, when i was twenty years old, i used to say that i have no intention of getting hitch. now that i'm (almost) 24, watching all the weddings (in real-life and on television) actually makes my heart waver. now i secretly hope to get married by 26, so that i can be a young bride and go for an adventurous honeymoon.
some years back, i wrote that time is like an escalator. you could be standing still in one place, yet time drags you along and thrusts you forward. yesterday, i realised i was wrong about this. maybe time is not the escalator. maybe i am the escalator. i am the conveyor belt, the one that goes round and round. i'm always under the false impression that i'm moving forward, but in reality, i am merely moving in circles. i would travel with many passengers to their destination, but after each short trip, i must roll back and return to the same spot. the friends come and go, people get off and move on, but i must always remain in the cycle. i don't know why, but i just cannot get past a certain line. so eventually, the motion becomes so mechanical, and i find myself running on auto-pilot.
anything that's mechanical breaks down after a while (like my laptop fan). if it cannot be fixed, then i can only count down to its expiry date.
my laptop refuses to cooperate. its fan wouldn'http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=14103796&postID=7636907158409523189t start up, so sometimes i may not be able to switch it on for days. i can't blog during work, but thankfully i can still check my email accounts.
anyway, now that i managed to get my laptop working, i thought i'd squeeze out a post because i won't know if these would be the final words that i'd be typing on this computer. don't expect a lengthy post because it's 2am and way past my bedtime. so here we go...
in the recent year, i have been taking back many of the words that i'd said before.
for example, when i was twenty years old, i used to say that i have no intention of getting hitch. now that i'm (almost) 24, watching all the weddings (in real-life and on television) actually makes my heart waver. now i secretly hope to get married by 26, so that i can be a young bride and go for an adventurous honeymoon.
some years back, i wrote that time is like an escalator. you could be standing still in one place, yet time drags you along and thrusts you forward. yesterday, i realised i was wrong about this. maybe time is not the escalator. maybe i am the escalator. i am the conveyor belt, the one that goes round and round. i'm always under the false impression that i'm moving forward, but in reality, i am merely moving in circles. i would travel with many passengers to their destination, but after each short trip, i must roll back and return to the same spot. the friends come and go, people get off and move on, but i must always remain in the cycle. i don't know why, but i just cannot get past a certain line. so eventually, the motion becomes so mechanical, and i find myself running on auto-pilot.
anything that's mechanical breaks down after a while (like my laptop fan). if it cannot be fixed, then i can only count down to its expiry date.
7.2.10
all my single (chinese) ladies
next sunday can't get any worse for any single chinese ladies out there.
why is it so? because it's the first day of lunar new year. lunar new year may be a time of festive fun, delectable pastries, angpao collecting (or giving, depending on your marital status =p), rejuvenation of familial relations, mahjong, shopping and holidaying! but isn't going to be all roses. everyone has their own set of worries with the festive season. for the married couples, they have to fork out hundreds of dollars to give to their single relatives. for the single adults, they have to prepare themselves for the dreadful interrogations from nosy relatives.
and this brings me to my main point. with valentine's day falling on the first day of the lunar new year, there can't be a better time to torment your single relatives and friends about their marital status. trust me, during chinese new year, your relationship status gets even more public than broadcasting it on facebook. it becomes a common knowledge, as relatives come together in an attempt to improve your love life. they will offer to introduce their colleagues or friends, they will encourage you to join a dating agency, they will nag at your faults (like "you're too picky", or "you need to doll up a bit", or even worse - "maybe you should lose some weight"). some of them may be genuinely concerned for your future, but some may just be taking the chance to get back at you for stepping on their toes last year.
very unfortunately, yours truly happen to be single. not only that, i happen to hit mid-twenties this year, and mid-twenties is the age when people actually start getting married. *gasp* this year is going to be such a horror! especially if i have no boyfriend, nowhere to go and no hot dates to attend on the 14th of february!
what shall i do? i have seven more days to go. should i find myself a fake date to appease my relatives? or excuse myself for the visits (and sacrifice my share of angpao money)? or just brush off the awkward questions and laugh it off as i always do?
aunt agony, uncle unhappiness, mother melancholy, father frustration, brother blues, sister sorrow - whoever you are - please lend me your wisdom!
why is it so? because it's the first day of lunar new year. lunar new year may be a time of festive fun, delectable pastries, angpao collecting (or giving, depending on your marital status =p), rejuvenation of familial relations, mahjong, shopping and holidaying! but isn't going to be all roses. everyone has their own set of worries with the festive season. for the married couples, they have to fork out hundreds of dollars to give to their single relatives. for the single adults, they have to prepare themselves for the dreadful interrogations from nosy relatives.
and this brings me to my main point. with valentine's day falling on the first day of the lunar new year, there can't be a better time to torment your single relatives and friends about their marital status. trust me, during chinese new year, your relationship status gets even more public than broadcasting it on facebook. it becomes a common knowledge, as relatives come together in an attempt to improve your love life. they will offer to introduce their colleagues or friends, they will encourage you to join a dating agency, they will nag at your faults (like "you're too picky", or "you need to doll up a bit", or even worse - "maybe you should lose some weight"). some of them may be genuinely concerned for your future, but some may just be taking the chance to get back at you for stepping on their toes last year.
very unfortunately, yours truly happen to be single. not only that, i happen to hit mid-twenties this year, and mid-twenties is the age when people actually start getting married. *gasp* this year is going to be such a horror! especially if i have no boyfriend, nowhere to go and no hot dates to attend on the 14th of february!
what shall i do? i have seven more days to go. should i find myself a fake date to appease my relatives? or excuse myself for the visits (and sacrifice my share of angpao money)? or just brush off the awkward questions and laugh it off as i always do?
aunt agony, uncle unhappiness, mother melancholy, father frustration, brother blues, sister sorrow - whoever you are - please lend me your wisdom!
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