最远的地方是永远

i once read that when a child loses his parent, he loses his past. when a parent loses his child, he loses his future.

today, i witnessed the loss of somebody's past and somebody's future.

i think i can understand the pain. i have been through the grief. but for everyone, the experience is different. if you have not been through any of these, just imagine your loved one going to a very far away place. you will never be able to hear her voice, see her face, or feel her touch. it's not the distance that scares you. it's the "never" that terrifies you and steal your sleep.

how can we ever live through this? when my dad left so suddenly, i did not cry because i wanted to. i cried because i couldn't stop myself. i knew the grief and the guilt would come to an end, but i did not know when. i waited and waited. and waited. until i got tired, and i knew that i had exams waiting ahead. there was still a future ahead, a future which was worth fighting for.

but that is just my own story. i cannot imagine how a parent will feel. i cannot even imagine the depth of their pain or the breadth of their guilt over their lost child. i cannot imagine what a social worker can do or say when something like this hits our clients. i cannot imagine because the parents are right - i have not been there and i cannot tell them how to deal with it.

but as for those i can console, i want to assure them that the pain will come to pass - or at least the intensity of it. it may take weeks, months or even years. it may take you many sleepless nights, or endless hours. it may take you one good getaway, or many soul-searching trips. it may take you one litre of tears, or one journal of scribblings. it may take one God to heal you, or many hands to support you. but the worst will be over, and you will be stronger.

my dear, you will be stronger and life must go on.

today i ended my five-year relationship

(before you jump into conclusion...)

with my insurance agent.

he found that i was cheating on him because i actually engaged another agent from the same company to get me additional policies to beef up my empty portfolio. well, to be frank, i did not plan to "dumb" him. in fact i was already planning to approach him but somebody cut in and sealed the deal instead. and as many of you already know, i am bad at saying no. so a series of events unfolded, and i ended up signing up with a random agent on the street - just like how i did with my ex-agent five years ago.

while he sounded terribly disappointed with my action, i wanted to tell him straight in his face that it was his own fault that he stood up on me twice in the four years that he tried to meet me. when he finally met me for the long overdue once-a-year servicing, i could sense that he has indeed become much more knowledgeable and established; but there was hardly any sincerity or human touch. you could say that in the past two months, i've met my new agent twice as many times as i've met him in all five years. so even though he may be a manager now with a huge clientele base and much more experience, i feel that the only customer service rendered were the annual christmas and birthday cards (probably written by his assistant). what a sad relationship.

so when he proposed for me to either transfer all my new policies to him, or for him to hand over my old policy to my new agent, i rang my new agent, and she was willing to take over my old policies. i doubt she would get any of the commission since most of the commission is handed out during the first few years of inception, but i won't be surprised if she had expected this to happen. you know, all's fair in love and war, and in the insurance industry.

but anyhow, i hope my agent doesn't chuck me aside the moment she gets her share of the pie. you could say that just like anyone else, i'm taking a gamble that the new relationship would be better than the last one. and i feel that it's going to be.

dirty toilets strike back

today, let us talk about dreams.

no, i'm not referring to your ambition, your retirement plans or life long dreams. we can save that for another day. i'm talking about the dreams that takes over your mind when you're asleep.

a couple of days ago, i was just chatting with my friends about recurring dreams. one of them frequently dreams about falling down from a tall building. another used to dream about turning up in school, only to find that she was wearing her pajamas. most recurring dream reflects our anxieties and insecurities. for me, one of my most frequent dreams as a child was flying away.

yet, i adored my flying dreams because they always gave me a sense of exhilaration. in my dream, people would always be trying to catch me for something which i did not do. and in fear, my natural response would be to levitate and escape out of the window. sometimes when there were no windows, i would have to run along a clear road and slowly lift off, like how an aeroplane takes off on the runway. the most exciting part of my dream would be when i'm up in the air and laughing at everyone chasing after me on the ground.

well, while the dream always began in anxiety, it usually ended well. however, it was not until two nights ago when i was reminded of my other recurring dreams - the unpleasant ones.

since my teenage years, i started having recurring dreams of being kidnapped by strangers in a foreign land, dying in an accident, getting stuck in very dirty toilets. two nights ago, my dirty-toilet dream came back with a vengeance to terrify me.

the dream began with me visiting an old friend at his place. somehow along the way, i had to go and ease myself so i went to his bathroom. and somehow there was so much toilet paper stuck in his toilet bowl that i couldn't flush down and the water started to overflow. i tried to escape from the bathroom, but i realised the door was stuck. i couldn't escape, and i was dying of fright (if not from the contamination). when i jerked out of the dream, i almost wanted to call my friend to scold him. it was too real.

and just yesterday, i was unfortunate enough to experience something not too far from my horrifying nightmare. yesterday morning, i was down with diarrhoea but having been through too many diarrhoeas in the past year, i brushed it off and went ahead to work. another reason why i wanted to go to work was because my centres were having some event at the stadium and i did not want to miss it.

so the morning passed by quite swiftly and peacefully. when the lunch time came and i happily gobbled down the packed bento in hunger. and soon before two hours were up, the churning started and i found myself unable to hold my bowels. i rushed to the toilet immediately. but to my horror, the toilet was one of the filthiest one i've seen (in real life)

the floor was strewn with toilet paper and grass, the room stank of urine, and everywhere was wet and slippery. the scene was taken straight out of my dream.

of cos, i had no choice. i was at my wit's end. i had to use the toilet or risk doing it in my jeans (yes, i was wearing long pants.) the experience was petrifying, multiplied too many times.

and so, the rest was history and i do not want to bore or disgust you with the intricate details. while i can't control what i dream about, i swear the next time i'm down with diarrhoea, i am staying put at home.

too late for you and your white horse to come around

stumbled upon this video when I was looking for a song with a somewhat similar title:



with a flawless live singing, it is no wonder why she's such a pop sensation.

my monthly affair

i have been having a monthly affair with three unwanted guests. for the past three months, they have been visiting me during the last week of the month.

the first guest is Fever. he must be a very lonely man, because each time he calls, he would destroy my plans and force me to stay at home with him. he does not mind if i spend most of the time sleeping, but i think he does enjoy cuddling under the blanket very much. it warms him, and makes him even stronger.

the second guest is Headache. headache is a very mischievous boy. he likes to tap tap tap on my forehead, tap on my occipital lobe, tap on my joints - then go into hiding. and precisely because he is very agile (unlike me), he has the upperhand in this hide-and-seek game. i know he's trying to get my attention, but he does not know that doing that would hinder me from concentrating.

the third and last guest is Influenza, or flu for short. she is the most scheming of all. she would drop the smallest hint about her arrival, that the unsuspecting me would just dismiss as insignificant. sometimes, she even makes use of the weather to deceive me, misleading me into blaming the erratic weather as the culprit. so when she finally arrives at my door step, she is like a storm that sweeps me away.

now, all the three guests are in my living room. they are all trying to prevent me from exposing their heinous deeds. i think they succeeded.

but next month, next month, i will return with a vengeance, i will arm myself with apples and pills. and they would not even stand a chance.

could you whisper in my ear, the things you wanna feel

have you ever wonder how a blind person may feel if he were to suddenly regain his sight after a miracle operation?

as you may know, my right ear has been giving me problems for a long time. so after putting it off for many years, i finally broke the inertia and plucked up the courage to do an audiogram. i was found to have mild to moderate hearing loss, and mortified by it (especially after the GP repeatedly reprimanded me), i got myself an appointment with an ENT specialist.

at the clinic, the registrar made me go through what they called a "ear toilet". i only found out the name after looking at the receipt. they might have named it as such due to the flushing out of the ear wax. but to be honest, the cleaning process was very unpleasant, if not painful in many ways. if i were to describe it in one sentence, it felt like a needle tickling the insides of my ears. it was a very delicate procedure, and i was forced to keep my head still in the midst of the discomfort.

so when it was over, i dug my hands into my bag to take out a piece of tissue.

then i heard an unfamiliar sound - something was crackling inside my bag. am i hallucinating? i thought to myself. i reached in to touch the packet of tissue paper again. the crackling came back. so i grabbed the whole packet and crumpled it in my hands. the packet exploded like a fire cracker! i was frightened.

concluding the success of the operation, the doctor congratulated me and sent me away.

feeling very disoriented, i staggered out of the doctor's office. what seemed like a quiet peaceful waiting lobby morphed into a war zone. people were no longer just opening their mouths and moving their lips, they were talking in complete coherent sentences. the television was playing music, the receptionists were tapping furiously on the keyboard, the nurses were reading out names, telephones were ringing at the counter, and doors were opened and shut as people moved in and out.

all of a sudden, my surroundings came to life. but everything around me was too loud. i could not desensitize myself from the racket. i could not wash out the noises. i could not stop them from rushing into my ears.

after i made my payment, i hurried away from the hospital. as i wandered to the bus stop like a curious child, i could hear the pattering of the rain, the roaring of the thunder, the whistling of the strong winds, the rustling of the leaves, the screeching of the wheels as the cars come to a halt, the shuffling of passer-bys.

the success of the flushing was stunning, and the clarity of my hearing was amazing. i could not wait to pop in my earphones and listen to my favourite songs. i could not wait to hear my own voice. i could not wait to sing, to speak, to laugh, to enunciate, to rub my palms together, to snap my fingers, to stamp my feet; and most of all, i could not wait to share this discovery with everyone.

it was not just an awakening. it was a rebirth - as if the doctor injected a new life into me. so i'm telling you, you don't have to shout when you talk to me anymore.

you can whisper in my ear,
and i will hear you loud and clear.

of secrets and shame

"After Hanna left the city, it took a while before I stopped watching for her everywhere, before I got used to the fact that afternoons had lost their shape, and before I could look at books and open them without asking myself whether they were suitable for reading aloud. It took a while before my body stopped yearning for hers... The feeling of guilt that had tortured me in the first weeks gradually faded, and six months later,my family moved to another part of town. It wasn't that I forgot Hanna. But at a certain point the memory of her stopped accompanying me wherever I went. She stayed behind the way a city stays behind as a train pulls out of a station."

-- The reader by Bernhard Schlink

The reader is a compelling read that arrests your heart with the burst of passion at the opening, and ensnares your mind as the mystery slowly unravels. throughout the book, decisions were questioned, values were re-evaluated, and memories were reconstructed - although you may not find absolute answers to what was right and what was wrong. the protagonist's love for a criminal mirrors the love for a country which has collectively sinned, just as how his inaction to recapture his love and save her from self-destruction mirrors the inaction of the guards at the camp to save the prisoners. and even after the truth comes to light, we as spectacles to the unfolding of events, are not spared from the torment and the haunting memoirs of the characters.

it is not a pleasurable read for me, but it is definitely one of the most memorable ones this year. and despite Kate Winslet's commendable performance, i am far too afraid to watch the screened version now, for fear that the story would be further etched in my mind.

school begins again! (but not for me) ):

i imagine the excitement of freshies congregating in clubroom, gossiping about rag, joking with seniors and reminiscing the orientation week that has just passed. some of them would spot the election posters, and contemplate whether to run for mc. some of them eager for the next year to arrive, so that they can be part of the arts camp again. some of them discussing about the upcoming bashes, the beauty pageants and their contestants. boys fresh out of NS trying to hit on girl; girls straight out of JC, vying for the most popular spot. the scent of summer, the joy of friendship, the exhilaration of a new beginning, the sweet taste of youth.

i imagine the year twos and threes gathering at the canteen to catch up with peers whom they have not seen for three months. some of them would be sulking over the end of the holidays, others would be anticipating the start of the new semester. when it comes to choosing their lunch location, some would prefer the cooler atmosphere at the second floor, where the lounge overlooks the port in the west - the hustle bustle of the lounge juxtaposed against the quiet ships in the calm sea. most others would rather position themselves on the first floor where the best stalls are situated, seats are abundant, and the food is cheap. of cos, i imagine long queues of people waiting at the most-value-for-money yong tau hu stall for the delectable laska soup. the heat of the afternoon, the buzzing of the fans, the burning of the tongue, the warmth of being back to a familiar place.

finally, i imagine a group of honours students, lamenting over the departure of many counterparts and the lack of familiar faces. they are the ones who actively search for the remnants of their cohort, expressing excitement and relief whenever they spot somebody who is left behind like them. but there will be this especially dynamic honours class, who can be spotted with a particular dress code, laughing about their summer semester and KL adventures. and there will be a few ambitious ones, who dream of bonding the class, of contributing back to the society, and of raising the profile of their future profession. secretly, they could be planning a production, a event or something exciting that would make the class stand out against other graduating classes. they are at the prime of their youth, the peak of their passion, the height of their vigor, and the top of the world.

i imagine myself packing my books and going back to school, but i know that i have embarked on the road of no return. so let me recollect the good times, let me remember all the wonderful people i've met from my freshie days to my honours year, and let me reminisce my youth and exuberance once upon a summer dream.

be careful what you wish for..

as some of you may know, a couple of weeks back, my facebook status read:

"why can't we work two days and rest five days?"

instead of the reverse. and this week, i really got my wish. thanks to my viral infection, my weekend has been stretched until today, making it five days since i last went to work. i will be back in the office tomorrow, but i would only need to work for two days before the national day weekend ushers in.

pretty good you might say! but unfortunately, this week was supposed to be an exciting week for me, loaded with opportunities to work with clients. moreover, i would have felt more deserving if i had slogged my way to the long weekend.

but here i am, stuck at home, too drowsy from the medication to do anything constructive. so i float between my bed and my computer, spiritless and pale like a ghost.