ever since i set my mind on my new year resolution, it has been a battle between the mind and the temptations, the body and the aches, the present urges and the future remunerations.
while the task of increasing my output has been easy and enjoyable, the task of decreasing my intake has been challenging and cumbersome. it means giving up a lot of my favourite things - from sugar-laden snacks such as bubble tea, cakes, chocolate chip cookies, ben & jerry's ice cream to unhealthy savory dishes such as chinese rojak, laksa yong tau hu, nasi lemak, and chicken rice. on good days, the nauseating sense of aversion towards these sinful stuff comes naturally. but on bad days, i have to struggle with the lure of my previously frequented food stalls and the ill intentions of people who try to foil my plans (yes, you can call it a cognitive distortion on my part!)
hardly anyone supports me in my serious pursuit for a healthy lifestyle and a healthy BMI (possibly another cognitive distortion!). i see their encouragement as pretentious, their praise as half-hearted and their comments as mockery (definitely a cognitive distortion!). they call me at best obsessed, at worst extremist. but just like everyone else (and you included), i have been so taken in by the media's definition of beauty. i cannot allow myself to go back to where i was before. and since i cannot make myself any taller, i can only make myself smaller.
in order to ensure some success, i must go into hiding. and i must do it quietly, and best alone.
30.3.10
8.3.10
a weed amongst the flowers, a shrub amongst the trees
tonight is one of those times when i feel really lousy about myself.
my weight has been stagnant; my appetite has grown to become insatiable; my knees has deteriorated over the past few days; my legs are still fat; my complexion has worsen; and my hair is becoming more frayed and wavy.
in other words, i feel totally defeated, totally diffident about myself.
sometimes, i wished i could easily chop off a few pounds of my flabby flesh, but if this was possible, antonio would have lost his one pound of flesh to shylock in merchant of venice. i wished i could alter my genes to have good skin and straight hair. if this was possible, there would be more of anton freeman and less of vincent freeman from gattaca. i wished i could paste a medicated plaster that would get rid of my knee pain instantaneously. if this was possible, sophie hatter would not have encountered the scarecrow in howl's moving castle.
but the sad truth is, science isn't always able to conquer nature. what was unachievable hundred years ago, remains unachievable today. and what's unattainable today, may remain unattainable forever.
for now, what i really want is a miracle pill. one that would either morph me into perfection, or make me a more contented person.
my weight has been stagnant; my appetite has grown to become insatiable; my knees has deteriorated over the past few days; my legs are still fat; my complexion has worsen; and my hair is becoming more frayed and wavy.
in other words, i feel totally defeated, totally diffident about myself.
sometimes, i wished i could easily chop off a few pounds of my flabby flesh, but if this was possible, antonio would have lost his one pound of flesh to shylock in merchant of venice. i wished i could alter my genes to have good skin and straight hair. if this was possible, there would be more of anton freeman and less of vincent freeman from gattaca. i wished i could paste a medicated plaster that would get rid of my knee pain instantaneously. if this was possible, sophie hatter would not have encountered the scarecrow in howl's moving castle.
but the sad truth is, science isn't always able to conquer nature. what was unachievable hundred years ago, remains unachievable today. and what's unattainable today, may remain unattainable forever.
for now, what i really want is a miracle pill. one that would either morph me into perfection, or make me a more contented person.
27.2.10
旅行的意义
i noticed that there is something seriously wrong with me, so i took a long walk home today to brood over it.
it all started when i abandoned adolescence for the cold and harsh days of adulthood. adolescence was a time to establish one's identity, to discover one's interests, to sculpt one's future. because these tasks were so herculean, i couldn't do it on my own. i needed some emotional and moral support to help me along. because i didn't have much connection with my family back then, i relied heavily on my friends to give me the strength to work through my problems.
so adolescence turned out to be short and sweet, fast and furious, exciting and erratic. when it was time for the transition into adulthood, i was cognitively ready but emotionally devastated. but i couldn't stop it because i couldn't get off the travelator of time. so i moved on, like everybody did. and that was when i started to evolve.
with the end of adolescence, i started to realise that i could cope increasingly with less peers, less talk, and less social engagement. friends peers and acquaintances, the saving grace of my youth, were no longer the only pillar of my existence. as i indulged more frequently in solitude, i began to relish the quiet moments with myself. gradually, before i knew it, my need for personal space surpassed my desire for a human connection.
gradually, elusiveness and reclusiveness became traits that i increasingly yearned for. if my heart were a square, my need for personal space is a tight circle that stretches from edge to edge of the square, leaving only the little corners for my closest groups of friends and nobody else. i find the thought of committing to somebody so frightening. i find the thought of entertaining an acquaintance so dreadful. i find the act of pretense so repulsive.
so i shift from shell to shell, sanctuary to sanctuary, keeping the entry exclusive to only a handful of people. but today i realised that maybe i have been too selfish. maybe i have been too narrow-minded. maybe i have been too self-centred. maybe some things are meant to be shared. maybe i should consider the feelings of others more. maybe i should be more open. maybe it's time to change.
in the days ahead, i need to take the first step. i will start to draw a smaller circle around myself. and to commemorate this, i will end with a song that speaks to my heart. i like the lyrics not because i empathise with the voice in the song, but because i identify with the feelings of the addressee.
i need to break away from these feelings. i need to break away from the need to break away.
and before the song ends, allow me to weep for the imminent loss of my selfhood.
it all started when i abandoned adolescence for the cold and harsh days of adulthood. adolescence was a time to establish one's identity, to discover one's interests, to sculpt one's future. because these tasks were so herculean, i couldn't do it on my own. i needed some emotional and moral support to help me along. because i didn't have much connection with my family back then, i relied heavily on my friends to give me the strength to work through my problems.
so adolescence turned out to be short and sweet, fast and furious, exciting and erratic. when it was time for the transition into adulthood, i was cognitively ready but emotionally devastated. but i couldn't stop it because i couldn't get off the travelator of time. so i moved on, like everybody did. and that was when i started to evolve.
with the end of adolescence, i started to realise that i could cope increasingly with less peers, less talk, and less social engagement. friends peers and acquaintances, the saving grace of my youth, were no longer the only pillar of my existence. as i indulged more frequently in solitude, i began to relish the quiet moments with myself. gradually, before i knew it, my need for personal space surpassed my desire for a human connection.
gradually, elusiveness and reclusiveness became traits that i increasingly yearned for. if my heart were a square, my need for personal space is a tight circle that stretches from edge to edge of the square, leaving only the little corners for my closest groups of friends and nobody else. i find the thought of committing to somebody so frightening. i find the thought of entertaining an acquaintance so dreadful. i find the act of pretense so repulsive.
so i shift from shell to shell, sanctuary to sanctuary, keeping the entry exclusive to only a handful of people. but today i realised that maybe i have been too selfish. maybe i have been too narrow-minded. maybe i have been too self-centred. maybe some things are meant to be shared. maybe i should consider the feelings of others more. maybe i should be more open. maybe it's time to change.
in the days ahead, i need to take the first step. i will start to draw a smaller circle around myself. and to commemorate this, i will end with a song that speaks to my heart. i like the lyrics not because i empathise with the voice in the song, but because i identify with the feelings of the addressee.
i need to break away from these feelings. i need to break away from the need to break away.
and before the song ends, allow me to weep for the imminent loss of my selfhood.
24.2.10
wanted for life
if you see your face in this picture, you are wanted.
you are wanted for producing an imitation of a macbook, for forging a driving license, for printing an invalid air ticket, for stealing somebody's (hot) body and for making a camera that doesn't work.
you are also wanted for stopping my breath (for a few seconds), for causing me to go hysterical, and for making me break my secret bao yang regime last night (didn't sleep before 12midnight )): )
due to the atrocities of the above crimes, i find you guilty as charged and you shall be detained without a trial. you are sentenced to stand by me for the next 56 years (given current estimate of the life expectancy of a Singaporean female). and during this life imprisonment, you shall live in the cells of my heart.
no appeal is allowed, so be prepared to put up with the harsh conditions ahead. thank you for your kind attention.
21.2.10
going back on my words
forgive me if updates have been scarce.
my laptop refuses to cooperate. its fan wouldn'http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=14103796&postID=7636907158409523189t start up, so sometimes i may not be able to switch it on for days. i can't blog during work, but thankfully i can still check my email accounts.
anyway, now that i managed to get my laptop working, i thought i'd squeeze out a post because i won't know if these would be the final words that i'd be typing on this computer. don't expect a lengthy post because it's 2am and way past my bedtime. so here we go...
in the recent year, i have been taking back many of the words that i'd said before.
for example, when i was twenty years old, i used to say that i have no intention of getting hitch. now that i'm (almost) 24, watching all the weddings (in real-life and on television) actually makes my heart waver. now i secretly hope to get married by 26, so that i can be a young bride and go for an adventurous honeymoon.
some years back, i wrote that time is like an escalator. you could be standing still in one place, yet time drags you along and thrusts you forward. yesterday, i realised i was wrong about this. maybe time is not the escalator. maybe i am the escalator. i am the conveyor belt, the one that goes round and round. i'm always under the false impression that i'm moving forward, but in reality, i am merely moving in circles. i would travel with many passengers to their destination, but after each short trip, i must roll back and return to the same spot. the friends come and go, people get off and move on, but i must always remain in the cycle. i don't know why, but i just cannot get past a certain line. so eventually, the motion becomes so mechanical, and i find myself running on auto-pilot.
anything that's mechanical breaks down after a while (like my laptop fan). if it cannot be fixed, then i can only count down to its expiry date.
my laptop refuses to cooperate. its fan wouldn'http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=14103796&postID=7636907158409523189t start up, so sometimes i may not be able to switch it on for days. i can't blog during work, but thankfully i can still check my email accounts.
anyway, now that i managed to get my laptop working, i thought i'd squeeze out a post because i won't know if these would be the final words that i'd be typing on this computer. don't expect a lengthy post because it's 2am and way past my bedtime. so here we go...
in the recent year, i have been taking back many of the words that i'd said before.
for example, when i was twenty years old, i used to say that i have no intention of getting hitch. now that i'm (almost) 24, watching all the weddings (in real-life and on television) actually makes my heart waver. now i secretly hope to get married by 26, so that i can be a young bride and go for an adventurous honeymoon.
some years back, i wrote that time is like an escalator. you could be standing still in one place, yet time drags you along and thrusts you forward. yesterday, i realised i was wrong about this. maybe time is not the escalator. maybe i am the escalator. i am the conveyor belt, the one that goes round and round. i'm always under the false impression that i'm moving forward, but in reality, i am merely moving in circles. i would travel with many passengers to their destination, but after each short trip, i must roll back and return to the same spot. the friends come and go, people get off and move on, but i must always remain in the cycle. i don't know why, but i just cannot get past a certain line. so eventually, the motion becomes so mechanical, and i find myself running on auto-pilot.
anything that's mechanical breaks down after a while (like my laptop fan). if it cannot be fixed, then i can only count down to its expiry date.
7.2.10
all my single (chinese) ladies
next sunday can't get any worse for any single chinese ladies out there.
why is it so? because it's the first day of lunar new year. lunar new year may be a time of festive fun, delectable pastries, angpao collecting (or giving, depending on your marital status =p), rejuvenation of familial relations, mahjong, shopping and holidaying! but isn't going to be all roses. everyone has their own set of worries with the festive season. for the married couples, they have to fork out hundreds of dollars to give to their single relatives. for the single adults, they have to prepare themselves for the dreadful interrogations from nosy relatives.
and this brings me to my main point. with valentine's day falling on the first day of the lunar new year, there can't be a better time to torment your single relatives and friends about their marital status. trust me, during chinese new year, your relationship status gets even more public than broadcasting it on facebook. it becomes a common knowledge, as relatives come together in an attempt to improve your love life. they will offer to introduce their colleagues or friends, they will encourage you to join a dating agency, they will nag at your faults (like "you're too picky", or "you need to doll up a bit", or even worse - "maybe you should lose some weight"). some of them may be genuinely concerned for your future, but some may just be taking the chance to get back at you for stepping on their toes last year.
very unfortunately, yours truly happen to be single. not only that, i happen to hit mid-twenties this year, and mid-twenties is the age when people actually start getting married. *gasp* this year is going to be such a horror! especially if i have no boyfriend, nowhere to go and no hot dates to attend on the 14th of february!
what shall i do? i have seven more days to go. should i find myself a fake date to appease my relatives? or excuse myself for the visits (and sacrifice my share of angpao money)? or just brush off the awkward questions and laugh it off as i always do?
aunt agony, uncle unhappiness, mother melancholy, father frustration, brother blues, sister sorrow - whoever you are - please lend me your wisdom!
why is it so? because it's the first day of lunar new year. lunar new year may be a time of festive fun, delectable pastries, angpao collecting (or giving, depending on your marital status =p), rejuvenation of familial relations, mahjong, shopping and holidaying! but isn't going to be all roses. everyone has their own set of worries with the festive season. for the married couples, they have to fork out hundreds of dollars to give to their single relatives. for the single adults, they have to prepare themselves for the dreadful interrogations from nosy relatives.
and this brings me to my main point. with valentine's day falling on the first day of the lunar new year, there can't be a better time to torment your single relatives and friends about their marital status. trust me, during chinese new year, your relationship status gets even more public than broadcasting it on facebook. it becomes a common knowledge, as relatives come together in an attempt to improve your love life. they will offer to introduce their colleagues or friends, they will encourage you to join a dating agency, they will nag at your faults (like "you're too picky", or "you need to doll up a bit", or even worse - "maybe you should lose some weight"). some of them may be genuinely concerned for your future, but some may just be taking the chance to get back at you for stepping on their toes last year.
very unfortunately, yours truly happen to be single. not only that, i happen to hit mid-twenties this year, and mid-twenties is the age when people actually start getting married. *gasp* this year is going to be such a horror! especially if i have no boyfriend, nowhere to go and no hot dates to attend on the 14th of february!
what shall i do? i have seven more days to go. should i find myself a fake date to appease my relatives? or excuse myself for the visits (and sacrifice my share of angpao money)? or just brush off the awkward questions and laugh it off as i always do?
aunt agony, uncle unhappiness, mother melancholy, father frustration, brother blues, sister sorrow - whoever you are - please lend me your wisdom!
23.1.10
the last moments of twenty-three
with one more month to my next birthday, i can't be more reluctant to part with what i believed would be the prime year of my life.
23 was the year i received the best intangible birthday surprise. it was the year i plucked up the courage to fulfill my dream of backpacking alone. it was the year i took my first step in the social work profession. it was the year i picked up a new hobby. it was the year i decided to be honest to myself over others.
to make sure my 24th year begins on a happy note, i decided to be shameless and do myself a favour by making a wishlist. this wishlist may ease the anxiety of those who desire to offer a piece of their friendship in the form of a tangible gift. but it is more likely to set them on a panic because of potentially high costs. any adverse effect is unintended and unnecessary, because some items will always remain on the wishlist - just like how environment conservation would always remain on the agenda of Greenpeace.
i know i once said - when i give you a present, i hope you would have something to remember me. if i want you to give me a present, i'm hoping to have something i can remember you by. this has ceased to be true! if i want to remember somebody, i'll go for photographs instead now. so please rest assured that this is not an attempt to extort something out of your pocket.
i spent two paragraphs explaining why i am doing this. but in a nutshell, i am merely doing the wishlist for fun.
so without further ado, i present to you my material desires for the year ahead:
besides, i believe none of us measure our relationships by the value of the gift we received on our birthday. instead, we measure by how comfortable we feel around the person, the quality of time spent together throughout the year, the number of moments when we connected with the person, the number of times we laugh heartily together with the person, the warmth of the person's hand or hug when we are down, the amount of understanding and forgiveness we received from the person. and the list goes on.
there is really nothing that i must have, or i need now. but if you are still unconvinced, and if you must get me something, i would greatly appreciate if it's something i can use, wear, or keep for rainy days.
23 was the year i received the best intangible birthday surprise. it was the year i plucked up the courage to fulfill my dream of backpacking alone. it was the year i took my first step in the social work profession. it was the year i picked up a new hobby. it was the year i decided to be honest to myself over others.
to make sure my 24th year begins on a happy note, i decided to be shameless and do myself a favour by making a wishlist. this wishlist may ease the anxiety of those who desire to offer a piece of their friendship in the form of a tangible gift. but it is more likely to set them on a panic because of potentially high costs. any adverse effect is unintended and unnecessary, because some items will always remain on the wishlist - just like how environment conservation would always remain on the agenda of Greenpeace.
i know i once said - when i give you a present, i hope you would have something to remember me. if i want you to give me a present, i'm hoping to have something i can remember you by. this has ceased to be true! if i want to remember somebody, i'll go for photographs instead now. so please rest assured that this is not an attempt to extort something out of your pocket.
i spent two paragraphs explaining why i am doing this. but in a nutshell, i am merely doing the wishlist for fun.
so without further ado, i present to you my material desires for the year ahead:
- a new netbook/ laptop (because my faithful fujitsu seem to be in its terminal stage already)
- an open return air ticket to Taiwan or Japan
- a plain/ stripe Kate Spade handbag (i am also a fan of Lacoste or Agnès B's totes)
- a sponsorship for driving course
- a nikon dslr camera
- a liposuction surgery for my super unsatisfactory thighs
besides, i believe none of us measure our relationships by the value of the gift we received on our birthday. instead, we measure by how comfortable we feel around the person, the quality of time spent together throughout the year, the number of moments when we connected with the person, the number of times we laugh heartily together with the person, the warmth of the person's hand or hug when we are down, the amount of understanding and forgiveness we received from the person. and the list goes on.
there is really nothing that i must have, or i need now. but if you are still unconvinced, and if you must get me something, i would greatly appreciate if it's something i can use, wear, or keep for rainy days.
15.1.10
keeping the faith
Last month, my brother asked me over dinner, “How can you believe that there is a God, when there is so much suffering around the world?”
Although I have heard this question too many times, I was stunned by the timing of the question. Happily anticipating the start of a wedding dinner, I was unprepared to discuss a topic of that weight. Neither was i equipped with the knowledge for a convincing rebuttal.
So when I managed to put my brains together, I gave a pathetic reply: “I believe because I want to”. Well, after all, there are too many questions in life that are unanswerable. After all, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. And after all, I want to believe, because I want to have something to hope for.
Today, the question floated back into my mind while I was browsing online for the latest updates on the Haitian earthquake. I stumbled upon the following commentary from the New York Times:
After reading the article, I didn’t know whether to direct my frustration at the author, or at God.
While I was uncomfortable with the closing sentence, I also found it hard to explain the aftermath of the calamity. Every time a massive disaster strikes, I cannot help but question my faith. I do not have an issue with disasters happening, but I cannot reconcile the possibility that God allows such unfairness to happen.
All of us know that life is never fair. Some of us are born with a silver spoon, while some of us are born with nothing but rags. Some of us are born brilliant and intelligent, while some of us are not given the mental capacity to brush our teeth or change our clothes. Some of us are born with extraordinary athletic abilities and agility, while some of us are born with missing limps. Some of us have a knack to communicate and work with people, while some of us are socially handicapped because of autism. Some of us are born in countries that are affluent, safe, and politically stable, while most of us live in countries plagued by poverty, famine, strife, and disasters.
Very few of us know why life is never fair. If God exists, does He witness such unfairness? Does He delibrately create the inequality? How does He decide who should suffer and who should live like a prince? How did He decide that the Haitians shall be the victims of a staggering earthquake? Or is it a completely random selection, like how we draw lots to decide the winning numbers of a lottery?
I am not expecting any replies, because I feel that every answer will merely be a hypothesis or a personal truth that cannot be proven. Besides, the common saying that suffering happens for a reason would be too cliché, because a calamity of this magnitude can never be justifiable as a divine intervention. Everyone is punished, believers or not.
Whatever it is, my heart goes out to all the people who are fighting against the odds to save lives and to save themselves. and wherever God is, I hope He hears the prayers of those who are struggling to stay alive, I hope He hears the pleas of those who are struggling to find their loved ones, and I hope He hears the cries of those who are struggling to keep their faith.
Although I have heard this question too many times, I was stunned by the timing of the question. Happily anticipating the start of a wedding dinner, I was unprepared to discuss a topic of that weight. Neither was i equipped with the knowledge for a convincing rebuttal.
So when I managed to put my brains together, I gave a pathetic reply: “I believe because I want to”. Well, after all, there are too many questions in life that are unanswerable. After all, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. And after all, I want to believe, because I want to have something to hope for.
Today, the question floated back into my mind while I was browsing online for the latest updates on the Haitian earthquake. I stumbled upon the following commentary from the New York Times:
For most of the past 20 hours I’ve been hiking the earthquake-rubbled streets of Port-au-Prince. Tuesday night, when we had less idea of the scope of the devastation, there was singing all over town: songs with lyrics like “O Lord, keep me close to you” and “Forgive me, Jesus.” Preachers stood atop boxes and gave impromptu sermons, reassuring their listeners in the dark: “It seems like the Good Lord is hiding, but he’s here. He’s always here.”
The day after, as the sun exposed bodies strewn everywhere, and every fourth building seemed to have fallen, Haitians were still praying in the streets. But mostly they were weeping, trying to find friends and family, searching in vain for relief and walking around in shock.
If God exists, he’s really got it in for Haiti. Haitians think so, too. Zed, a housekeeper in my apartment complex, said God was angry at sinners around the world, but especially in Haiti. Zed said the quake had fortified her faith, and that she understood it as divine retribution.
This earthquake will make the devastating storms of 2008 look like child’s play. Entire neighborhoods have vanished. The night of the earthquake, my boyfriend, who works for the American Red Cross, and I tended to hundreds of Haitians who lived in shoddily built hillside slums. The injuries we saw were too grave for the few bottles of antiseptic, gauze and waterproof tape we had: skulls shattered, bones and tendons protruding from skin, chunks of bodies missing. Some will die in the coming days, but for the most part they are the lucky ones.
No one knows where to go with their injured and dead, or where to find food and water. Relief is nowhere in sight. The hospitals that are still standing are turning away the injured. The headquarters of the United Nations peacekeeping force, which has provided the entirety of the country’s logistical support, has collapsed. Cell and satellite phones don’t work. Cars can’t get through many streets, which are blocked by fallen houses. Policemen seem to have made themselves scarce.
“If this were a serious country, there would be relief workers here, finding the children buried underneath that house,” my friend Florence told me. Florence is a paraplegic who often sits outside her house in the Bois Verna neighborhood. The house next to hers had collapsed, and Florence said that for a time she heard the children inside crying.
Why, then, turn to a God who seems to be absent at best and vindictive at worst? Haitians don’t have other options. The country has a long legacy of repression and exploitation; international peacekeepers come and go; the earth no longer provides food; jobs almost don’t exist. Perhaps a God who hides is better than nothing.
After reading the article, I didn’t know whether to direct my frustration at the author, or at God.
While I was uncomfortable with the closing sentence, I also found it hard to explain the aftermath of the calamity. Every time a massive disaster strikes, I cannot help but question my faith. I do not have an issue with disasters happening, but I cannot reconcile the possibility that God allows such unfairness to happen.
All of us know that life is never fair. Some of us are born with a silver spoon, while some of us are born with nothing but rags. Some of us are born brilliant and intelligent, while some of us are not given the mental capacity to brush our teeth or change our clothes. Some of us are born with extraordinary athletic abilities and agility, while some of us are born with missing limps. Some of us have a knack to communicate and work with people, while some of us are socially handicapped because of autism. Some of us are born in countries that are affluent, safe, and politically stable, while most of us live in countries plagued by poverty, famine, strife, and disasters.
Very few of us know why life is never fair. If God exists, does He witness such unfairness? Does He delibrately create the inequality? How does He decide who should suffer and who should live like a prince? How did He decide that the Haitians shall be the victims of a staggering earthquake? Or is it a completely random selection, like how we draw lots to decide the winning numbers of a lottery?
I am not expecting any replies, because I feel that every answer will merely be a hypothesis or a personal truth that cannot be proven. Besides, the common saying that suffering happens for a reason would be too cliché, because a calamity of this magnitude can never be justifiable as a divine intervention. Everyone is punished, believers or not.
Whatever it is, my heart goes out to all the people who are fighting against the odds to save lives and to save themselves. and wherever God is, I hope He hears the prayers of those who are struggling to stay alive, I hope He hears the pleas of those who are struggling to find their loved ones, and I hope He hears the cries of those who are struggling to keep their faith.
12.1.10
it's not because of you!
as some of you already know, i have been down with a persistent cough recently, robbing me of my voice and my beauty sleep at night.
the illness started last friday and progressively deteriorated from a mild sporadic cough to rapid successive coughs that can involuntarily drive me to tears. today, i even choked on air because i couldn't inhale in time before my next coughing fit set in. ahh, and to make things worse, coughs are especially embarrassing on buses and trains. people stare at you (even though you could be wearing a mask or using a tissue to cover your mouth) and they avoid you like plague.
but anyways, ever since my condition became more obvious and publicised (i shouldn't have broadcasted it through my facebook status), i have had numerous people coming up to me to claim responsibility. A said that she passed to me. B said he passed to me. C said she passed to me. everybody is saying that they passed the virus to me! and some of them even sounded adamant about it despite my protests.
so i have been very amused and yet puzzled by this... influx of similar responses. why am i sick because of somebody else? why can't my cough be a progression of my flu from christmas? or a result of my body's detoxification after my recent change in lifestyle? or my insufficient intake of water that causes some heatiness in my body?
with the surge of people coming forth to tell me that they are the source of my cough, i feel that my internal locus of control has been shrank to the size of a pea. it makes me wonder why people have been responding in that way - is it because they think that i might feel better if i blame them for it? or is it because they feel guilty? or is it simply because they have an inflated sense of responsibility over others?
i don't mean to offend anyone, and i do appreciate the amount of concern that many people have showered upon me. i just think that most of us are so inclined to commit the common mistake in empirical research - establishing a causality when there is none. if event A, and event B happens subsequently, it just illustrates a correlation, not a casual relationship. so for example, if i fall sick, and then you fall sick, it could mean
i hope i didn't bore you with the example and some technical jargon. but if there is one message i hope you would take home, it would be that correlation does not imply casuality. so don't jump to conclusions, and don't feel over-responsible for the plight of everyone around you.
the illness started last friday and progressively deteriorated from a mild sporadic cough to rapid successive coughs that can involuntarily drive me to tears. today, i even choked on air because i couldn't inhale in time before my next coughing fit set in. ahh, and to make things worse, coughs are especially embarrassing on buses and trains. people stare at you (even though you could be wearing a mask or using a tissue to cover your mouth) and they avoid you like plague.
but anyways, ever since my condition became more obvious and publicised (i shouldn't have broadcasted it through my facebook status), i have had numerous people coming up to me to claim responsibility. A said that she passed to me. B said he passed to me. C said she passed to me. everybody is saying that they passed the virus to me! and some of them even sounded adamant about it despite my protests.
so i have been very amused and yet puzzled by this... influx of similar responses. why am i sick because of somebody else? why can't my cough be a progression of my flu from christmas? or a result of my body's detoxification after my recent change in lifestyle? or my insufficient intake of water that causes some heatiness in my body?
with the surge of people coming forth to tell me that they are the source of my cough, i feel that my internal locus of control has been shrank to the size of a pea. it makes me wonder why people have been responding in that way - is it because they think that i might feel better if i blame them for it? or is it because they feel guilty? or is it simply because they have an inflated sense of responsibility over others?
i don't mean to offend anyone, and i do appreciate the amount of concern that many people have showered upon me. i just think that most of us are so inclined to commit the common mistake in empirical research - establishing a causality when there is none. if event A, and event B happens subsequently, it just illustrates a correlation, not a casual relationship. so for example, if i fall sick, and then you fall sick, it could mean
- casuality: i caused you to fall sick (or vice versa because the direction of influence cannot be determined without a solid experimental design)
- the presence of other mediating factors: the bad weather is the cause of us falling sick, or a third party is the one who is spreading to you and me
- conincidence: we just happen to fall sick after one another
i hope i didn't bore you with the example and some technical jargon. but if there is one message i hope you would take home, it would be that correlation does not imply casuality. so don't jump to conclusions, and don't feel over-responsible for the plight of everyone around you.
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