旅行的意义

i noticed that there is something seriously wrong with me, so i took a long walk home today to brood over it.

it all started when i abandoned adolescence for the cold and harsh days of adulthood. adolescence was a time to establish one's identity, to discover one's interests, to sculpt one's future. because these tasks were so herculean, i couldn't do it on my own. i needed some emotional and moral support to help me along. because i didn't have much connection with my family back then, i relied heavily on my friends to give me the strength to work through my problems.

so adolescence turned out to be short and sweet, fast and furious, exciting and erratic. when it was time for the transition into adulthood, i was cognitively ready but emotionally devastated. but i couldn't stop it because i couldn't get off the travelator of time. so i moved on, like everybody did. and that was when i started to evolve.

with the end of adolescence, i started to realise that i could cope increasingly with less peers, less talk, and less social engagement. friends peers and acquaintances, the saving grace of my youth, were no longer the only pillar of my existence. as i indulged more frequently in solitude, i began to relish the quiet moments with myself. gradually, before i knew it, my need for personal space surpassed my desire for a human connection.

gradually, elusiveness and reclusiveness became traits that i increasingly yearned for. if my heart were a square, my need for personal space is a tight circle that stretches from edge to edge of the square, leaving only the little corners for my closest groups of friends and nobody else. i find the thought of committing to somebody so frightening. i find the thought of entertaining an acquaintance so dreadful. i find the act of pretense so repulsive.

so i shift from shell to shell, sanctuary to sanctuary, keeping the entry exclusive to only a handful of people. but today i realised that maybe i have been too selfish. maybe i have been too narrow-minded. maybe i have been too self-centred. maybe some things are meant to be shared. maybe i should consider the feelings of others more. maybe i should be more open. maybe it's time to change.

in the days ahead, i need to take the first step. i will start to draw a smaller circle around myself. and to commemorate this, i will end with a song that speaks to my heart. i like the lyrics not because i empathise with the voice in the song, but because i identify with the feelings of the addressee.

i need to break away from these feelings. i need to break away from the need to break away.



and before the song ends, allow me to weep for the imminent loss of my selfhood.