The Atonement II

Dear S,

How have you been? We haven't spoken in years, and I would be surprised if you still frequent this place. And probably embarrassed too if you read this. But this has been overdue for too long, so please lend me some time.

Life officially began in secondary school for me, how it started in our blue uniforms and berets. I have lost count of the afternoons we spent in the scorching sun, marching for hours after hours. And then there were also those quiet saturday afternoons when we would go to the swing in the neighbourhood where our school was, and talk about practically anything under the sun. Not forgetting the training camps during the holidays, the ones that I was terribly terrified of, because I felt that the seniors were just waiting to give me a hard time. (But in retrospect, it was certainly my fault, because I was so irritating, childish and arrogant that I would want to scold myself too! Haha) This is strange, I can't believe how long ago it has been. I can't believe how close these distant memories still feel. I can't believe how many memories I've swept under the carpet all these while. Now that I take a peep under the carpet, the nostalgia is heavy enough to drown me. Adolescence was a sweet lingering scent, innocence a warm protective coat, and youth a light pair of shoes. Now that I have lost them, I miss them so much. I have lost so many years in between, so many years.

I still remember the day when things took a complete turn. The fateful day when I asked you what was wrong, and you handed me a letter that was tightly sealed. You had written a note to me, in hope that I would understand your pains. But I not only did not empathise or ease your pain, I multiplied it in return. What makes me worse, was that I did it knowingly. I was aware of it, aware of the times you were crying, aware that you could have turned spiteful but did not. You might be wondering why I'm unwrapping the unpleasant parts of the past. I must confess unto you, that after so many years, and some repetition later, I finally have a taste of my own poison.

I don't think you would have difficulty understanding what I'm talking about. Please listen to me one more time, this time. All these years, I have always thought that we have to be cruel to be kind. I always feel the kindness will come through later. But now that I'm at the receiving end, I am thinking maybe sometimes, being cruel, is still cruel. What comes around goes around. I must have been evil too many times.

Dear friend, I'm sorry this apology and acknowledgement is a decade late. I know it is too late, because there is nothing I can say to make up for those months of pain you went through. I'm really sorry for what I did, how I reacted. Now that I know the pain myself, I'm truly grievously sorry. I felt betrayed that time. I wished things hadn't changed. But I come to understand that it was not your fault. I cannot blame you. I know how difficult it is to control our feelings, and how hard it is to resist the forces of attraction or pretend there is when there is none. But I shouldn't have shut the door. I could have helped you walk through it by treating you more kindly. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Previously, I was happy that you moved and found a new place. But my happiness had evil roots, because I was happy not purely for your sake, but my own as well. I was relieved it took away my guilt, my responsibility. But now, I truly hope that you are happy for your own sake, I hope that He has been kind and has given you what you should have, and what it should really be. I hope you are happy too. Please be happy.

Thank you for thinking of me still. I owe you a proper thank you for your fantastic hand-made birthday card this year, which I received late because I was overseas. Since we can't turn back time, we should all move forward, and I hope your road ahead is well-lit.

Wishing you joy and bliss, whenever and wherever you are.

Warmest Regards,
A good friend once upon a time