oh take me back to the start

i don't know when i started becoming so obnoxious.

as dale carnegie has said - to have the best social life, you give people what they want, and you say what they want to hear. but i decided that i didn't want to be a slave to other people's opinions, so i traded good-naturedness, tolerance and diplomacy for honesty and straightforwardness, things that society don't value as much.

i got sick of being taken for granted, holding popular opinions and being part of an ordinary crowd. and because i hated mediocry, i wanted to stand out, but not stick out. i started to say what i think, not what people want to hear. but unfortunately, many people still prefer hearing half-truths - they have become the currency that people trade in. i started sharing my knowledge and being the antithesis of other people's opinions, in hope of spurring a more vibrant debate, but it was not in my intention to appear haughty.

but it seems that my plan to rediscover myself and take on a new identity has fallen flat. i thought i would be happier this way, but apparently not. because happiness does not only come from within, it comes from people around you too. so now i will shed my new cast, and revert back to the i-will-say-yes-to-everything-you-say girl.

if i told you a secret, you won't tell a soul

after visiting the museum of broken relationships, i was tempted to leave a confession behind in the guestbook.

the specimen i present would be a particular book that i received many years ago, and this is how my abstract would go:

time may have eroded away all the memories, pain and anger that i once felt; but time will never diminish my liking for this book, because it reminds me of you, once upon a time.

Grace will lead us home

in peace.

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.

- Erich Fromm

dearest friend,

i admire your fortitude in times of adversity, your courage in facing the things that we all fear, and your love and devotion to your family.

a guilty confession

He will always make a way for me.

and yet i have not made my way to Him.

its really not about what i am, or what you are, but how you make me feel.

even a small message may seem insignificant to you, and may just take up one minute of your time, but it means much more than that to me. because you've made me feel important enough to be remembered.

and that's really what's utmost important to me.

a friend told me - "accept disappointment but never lose hope."

when we lose hope, we lose our desire to move forward. so i hope that you too, would never lose your sense of hope no matter how painful the letdown.

you sit in an empty jar with a tightened lid.

out of touch, but not out of sight.

i fight a battle that you cannot see.

how would you feel if you stepped on a nail twice on the same spot.

all defeat is painful, especially when you have put in your best. to be honest, i felt like tearing this year more than the last. not because i have contributed more, but because it was like watching a replay of a tragedy, which i know was beyond my ability to stop. thing went wrong along the way, but we dont know where we tripped, or how we can improve to be better (other than to become worse and uncreative). we want to fly, but God has refused us wings, twice.

i had a dream, but i missed my chance, and i wont get it back again. now some other people missed their chance too. eff the judges. its déjà vu and we grudgingly welcome you to our alumnus.

i typed this at 3am to commemorate my 300th post, which is an unhappy one. i do not feel hopeless, just helpless, and inextricably helpless.

you painted a rainbow when my skies were grey.

you stuck with me through thick and thin, through the ups and the downs, through the brightest and the dullest moments. you gave me a hug when i needed comfort, you gave me a pat on the shoulder when i needed encouragement, you lent me your ears when i needed relief, you stood beside me when i needed support, you looked into my eyes when i needed assurance, and you held my hands when i needed courage. you laughed with me, sang with me, walked with me, sat with me, stayed up through countless nights with me, stood under the scorching sun and the pouring rain with me, fought with me, persevered on with me, bled with me and wept with me.

you have made my past year so beautiful, and you gave me all the reason to live, to love and to be strong.

i must have forgotten how much i used to like you.

i remember those mornings when i would spring out of bed no matter how tired i might be feeling, because going to school used to be so, exciting. i remember peeping through the puny glass windows whenever i walk along the corridors of the school, in hope that i would catch your silly face looking lost in class. i remember searching through the the canteen crowd, and delibrately choosing the queue which you are in, no matter how lousy the food is. i remember sitting beside you during lunch, and becoming extremely self-conscious as i scoped the food on my spoon, and put it in my mouth. i remember waiting for you at the bench, and feeling my heart skip as i watched you walk hurriedly towards me. and i will always, always remember how i used to smile for you, at you, and together with you. ((:

memory is choosy. memory is selective.
and happy songs makes me remember only the happy moments. ((:

everyone gets tired of picking up the pieces sometimes.

this place seems to have lost its familiarity and its function as a security blanklet for me. for the past weeks, its been puddles after puddles of marsh and mud, and blows after blows of stinging words. it is sad to know that nobody seems to be enjoying what they are doing anymore, and even more upsetting to know that when people become tired and jaded, they become self-indulgent as well.

i miss you, my friend.

i dont understand how some people can get started on something with burning passion and then lose that flame after a while; how some people can promise you the skies and the rainbow, then let their words rain on you later; or how some people can stand on your side for one moment and then turn the tables on you for another; how some people can sail with you when the weather is fair, then abandon you when the tide is high; or how some people can say 'i love you', then let their love erode away eventually.

i guess everything in life is just so ephemeral.

sometimes i feel an urge to bare my heart out in hope that it will help me let go of certain things and certain people in my life.

my journal is the only thing in the world i have been truly faithful and truthful to. i dont lie to my journal, and in return it doesnt lie to me either. but i dont usually take out my past journals to read because im afraid that i would uncover some memories and emotions which i had previously buried within the pages.

on a particular spring, i wrote about how you once told me that you wished i could be the fifth person you met in heaven (with reference to the book by mitch albom), so that i could talk to you forever. and how i felt so touched at that moment because i had wished that you would be one of the people i meet too.

i wrote about how you accidentally dozed off one night when we were on the phone and i was so worried for the entire night because i knew you were down and i thought something had happened over your side.

i wrote about how i once lost something, only to find out a year later, to my complete surprise, that it was none other than you who took it and kept it.

people come and people go in life, but in my journal, i write about the people whom i hope i would remember. and within those pages, i hold their names and keep them in my heart.

the room was messy with half-empty packet drinks spilling all over the floor, paper crumpled and strewn all over the table. it was bustling with noise of people who was oblivious about what was happening around them, and everyone was just too busy talking among themselves.

i walked in in quiet panic, and scanned my eyes across the crowded room for something.

you caught my eye, pointed to a certain document, and asked,

'are you looking for this?'


--

there is more pain than love in love itself.