everyone gets tired of picking up the pieces sometimes.

this place seems to have lost its familiarity and its function as a security blanklet for me. for the past weeks, its been puddles after puddles of marsh and mud, and blows after blows of stinging words. it is sad to know that nobody seems to be enjoying what they are doing anymore, and even more upsetting to know that when people become tired and jaded, they become self-indulgent as well.

i miss you, my friend.

i dont understand how some people can get started on something with burning passion and then lose that flame after a while; how some people can promise you the skies and the rainbow, then let their words rain on you later; or how some people can stand on your side for one moment and then turn the tables on you for another; how some people can sail with you when the weather is fair, then abandon you when the tide is high; or how some people can say 'i love you', then let their love erode away eventually.

i guess everything in life is just so ephemeral.

honesty is not the best policy.

its like slicing open the skin around your heart and rendering it vulnerable to people. its like taking off the paper bag on your head and exposing your face in public. its like running on a narrow one-way track and knowing that you cannot turn back or deviate from your route. its like sharing one side of your shoes with others, without the assurance that the others will share with your theirs in return. its like handing a knife to a person, and saying, 'now you are free to stab me anywhere anytime.'

my spirits sank with my heart.

the toothbrushes in my house are colour-coded.

and yesterday after i finally returned home, i actually forgot which colour my toothbrush is.

at this rate, there is a possibility that i might just forget which is the cup i always use, which is my favourite seat at the dining table or where i kept my socks in the wardrobe.

i hope you will be able to crawl out of the tunnel one day.

then you would see the sun's ray soaking through the canopy, the breeze teasing the leaves, and the birds dancing from branch to branch.

and you would know that the nightmare is finally over.

there are mornings when i wake up with a tinge of sweetness in my heart.

and this is one of them.

anger is my morphine.

today i stretched out my arm and tried to catch a raindrop with my hand. but they retaliated by gently bouncing off my palm, and landing on the tongue of my shoe.

there are some things in life that we can never keep.

help, i have done it again
i have been here many times before
i hurt myself again today
and, the worst part is theres no one else to blame

ouch i have lost myself again
lost myself and i am nowhere to be found,
yeah i think that i might break
lost myself again and i feel unsafe

be my friend, hold me
wrap me up, unfold me
i am small, im needy
warm me up
and breathe me

-- breathe me | sia

this song seduces. it makes me feel like drowning. (:

fifteen minutes of gushing. fifteen minutes of high.

its been such a long time since i last had a chance to plug in my earphones into my laptop and chill out to the quiet tunes of ryan adams in the darkness of my room.

it has been a really slow week, and i have managed to crawl through it. sunday is waiting ahead for me, and i shall have half a day to hide in my shell.

i read that line again, and i knew it was much more than just a colon and an open bracket. it felt so strangely familiar.

sometimes i feel an urge to bare my heart out in hope that it will help me let go of certain things and certain people in my life.

my journal is the only thing in the world i have been truly faithful and truthful to. i dont lie to my journal, and in return it doesnt lie to me either. but i dont usually take out my past journals to read because im afraid that i would uncover some memories and emotions which i had previously buried within the pages.

on a particular spring, i wrote about how you once told me that you wished i could be the fifth person you met in heaven (with reference to the book by mitch albom), so that i could talk to you forever. and how i felt so touched at that moment because i had wished that you would be one of the people i meet too.

i wrote about how you accidentally dozed off one night when we were on the phone and i was so worried for the entire night because i knew you were down and i thought something had happened over your side.

i wrote about how i once lost something, only to find out a year later, to my complete surprise, that it was none other than you who took it and kept it.

people come and people go in life, but in my journal, i write about the people whom i hope i would remember. and within those pages, i hold their names and keep them in my heart.