in my insomnia last night, my mind excreted a lengthy diarrhoea of thoughts, which was extremely excruciating because one half of my brain was trying to get some rest before my exam paper this morning, but the other half just refused to cooperate.

reflecting on the past month, there were days when i would sleep for fourteen hours in a row, and still feel like i havent slept a wink; and days when i could bury my head in my books for fourteen hours straight without a blink.

the extremities of human capacity.

reflecting on the past year, i realised that i have wasted four months of my youth calling up strangers and trying to persuade them to endorse a product that i dont even believe in; another two months bumping around; one month away in orientation and post-orientation euphoria; and the last four months feeling lost in school.

youth is indeed wasted on the young.

reflecting on my life in general, i feel that i have been confused for a long time. and im still running on the same line because i just cant decide where i should stand.

bathing used to mean a little more than cleaning up the dirt on my face and the soil in my toes.

as a toddler, every bath was like a ride into a magical wonderland of my own. for hours, i would hide in the bathroom, playing with soap, making bubbles with my fingers, and blowing them off my hands. each bubble was so pretty - reflecting through its surface a whole spectrum of colours - yet so fragile. and i would watch in fascination, how these bubbles levitated to the air above, eventually clinging to one of the walls or ceiling. i wanted so much, to seize them and imprison them in my musical box, hence in an attempt to hold them captive, i reached out my hands to

grasp -

but the bubble burst,
dispelling the magic that it capsulated in its transience.

you dont have to be alright all the time.

you just have to be alright some of the time, or most of the time, (depending on how demanding your life is) so that you do not become functionally impaired.

the buttons on the television work now. :)

we have just emerged from the wild jungle,

with sores on our feet that hinder our journey ahead, mud on our shoes that continues to bog us down, scratches on our legs that are bound to leave ugly permanent marks, aches all over our body that make us want to give up, insect bites on our arms that distracts us, dirt on our faces that makes others turn away from us.

and also courage and hope in our hearts.

looks like everyones got their own sad story to tell, but what matters most is that it is all behind us now.

hopefully. :)

the best thing that can happen in life, is a peaceful and painless death. :)

dont hold me with your eyes,
the light in them i cannot see.

we might desire to see the world through the eyes of a child again, but ageing and maturing is an irreversible process.

and beneath the superficial child-like innocence, lies your self-denial.

it still haunts me with the same magnitude of horror when i first discovered it.

i know your name,

i know your face, your smile, your voice, your eyes, the colour of your hair, the bags you carry, the subjects you take, the genre of songs you listen to, your antics, the type of jokes you like to crack and your back view as you walk away from me.

but thats all i know about you.


--


judging from the stagnantion, i doubt my host is ever returning, so i guess as soon as my exams are over, i will build four pillars and a roof over this shelter and make this my permanent hideout.

meanwhile, please bear with this bare layout. :)

words,

are merely a series of different letters and sounds put together to form something that seems somewhat meaningful.

but what do these words mean to you and me. nothing.

i suspect im under a crying spell.

except that theres no magic in it at all.

only plenty of unknown whys.

cos i cant wait to figure out whats wrong with me
so i can say 'this is the way that i used to be'
theres no substitute for time
or for the sadness.



whats the point of asking when the damage is already done.

i used to sleep an average of four to five hours every night.

but all my school commitments have taught me that sleep is a waste of time, and it is the last of my priorities at the moment. so well, i sleep on alternate nights now.

im on my way to becoming an immortal. :)