It's been 3 and a half years of fruitlessly loving a man, whom I finally realised, would never love me in the same way that I do towards him.
It's not that I didn't know it along the way. It's not that I haven't been rejected by him. It's not that there hadn't been other girls he got together with, or expressed his interest for. It's not that he treats me well or expresses much concern about me. It's not that some of my closest friends haven't repeatedly tried to talk me out of this. But it really had to take me this long a time, this many hard blows, this deep a wound to finally jot me out of my denial.
Denial or blind faithfulness? I have asked myself (and God) so many times over the years. I've always asked God to block off the path of unkind men, to guard my heart against men He does not approve of. Each time a setback happened, I paused and surrendered myself to God, acknowledging that it is not His will, and seeking his guidance to redirect my steps. Each time a spark of hope appeared, I also presented my confusion to God, to make His will clear to me. I thought I was faithful because God is a faithful God. But maybe part of me continued to be stubbornly faithful simply because I was holding on to a false sense of hope.
I know that love is a verb, it is patient and it is kind. It does not
dishonour others, It is not self-seeking. It is slow to anger, it keeps
records of no wrongs. But that's love in action and in physical form. It's been such a long struggle to keep up with my word with God to love the man as much as I can. But there's also love in the intangible, unobservable form, with its emotional attachment and attraction. It is hard to sustain love as an action and love as an emotion, when both are not reciprocated. I've tried. Lord, you know I've tried, even though I'm not sure if I should have... and now I'm tired. After all, Jesus was believed to have preached the gospel for 3 and a half years before his crucifixion (Without any desire to blaspheme, I believe he would have gone on much longer, but God kept it as that length). I have drank the cup and my love needs to be crucified now.
As Neale Donald Walsch wrote in What God Said, that in order to live the truth, we have to "tell the truth about yourself to yourself", "tell the truth about another to yourself" and "tell the truth about yourself to another". So I decided to do away with the usual allegories or metaphors that I was tempted to write in, and to bare the nakedness of my soul. I want to stop lying to myself that I only treat him as a friend or a brother. I don't want to tell him this same lie anymore. I don't want to keep up with this act of omission to my friends and family. I think my heart needs to be nailed to the cross, so that it can be born again in the future.
I don't know how to do it, but only by my own human means. If it be God's will, then may He make the way for me (which I believe He already has).
My dearest God, I know you have not forsaken me. After every weeping, after every sorrow, I will always realign my heart back to You. I will still praise You, and I will still sing of You grace in so many other aspects of my life. I know that You are faithful, even when we are not. I know that You are sovereign, You are kind. Your will shall be done, and Your will shall be the best for me, for him, and possibly for other people even though I may not see it now.
