i noticed that there is something seriously wrong with me, so i took a long walk home today to brood over it.
it all started when i abandoned adolescence for the cold and harsh days of adulthood. adolescence was a time to establish one's identity, to discover one's interests, to sculpt one's future. because these tasks were so herculean, i couldn't do it on my own. i needed some emotional and moral support to help me along. because i didn't have much connection with my family back then, i relied heavily on my friends to give me the strength to work through my problems.
so adolescence turned out to be short and sweet, fast and furious, exciting and erratic. when it was time for the transition into adulthood, i was cognitively ready but emotionally devastated. but i couldn't stop it because i couldn't get off the travelator of time. so i moved on, like everybody did. and that was when i started to evolve.
with the end of adolescence, i started to realise that i could cope increasingly with less peers, less talk, and less social engagement. friends peers and acquaintances, the saving grace of my youth, were no longer the only pillar of my existence. as i indulged more frequently in solitude, i began to relish the quiet moments with myself. gradually, before i knew it, my need for personal space surpassed my desire for a human connection.
gradually, elusiveness and reclusiveness became traits that i increasingly yearned for. if my heart were a square, my need for personal space is a tight circle that stretches from edge to edge of the square, leaving only the little corners for my closest groups of friends and nobody else. i find the thought of committing to somebody so frightening. i find the thought of entertaining an acquaintance so dreadful. i find the act of pretense so repulsive.
so i shift from shell to shell, sanctuary to sanctuary, keeping the entry exclusive to only a handful of people. but today i realised that maybe i have been too selfish. maybe i have been too narrow-minded. maybe i have been too self-centred. maybe some things are meant to be shared. maybe i should consider the feelings of others more. maybe i should be more open. maybe it's time to change.
in the days ahead, i need to take the first step. i will start to draw a smaller circle around myself. and to commemorate this, i will end with a song that speaks to my heart. i like the lyrics not because i empathise with the voice in the song, but because i identify with the feelings of the addressee.
i need to break away from these feelings. i need to break away from the need to break away.
and before the song ends, allow me to weep for the imminent loss of my selfhood.
27.2.10
24.2.10
wanted for life
if you see your face in this picture, you are wanted.
you are wanted for producing an imitation of a macbook, for forging a driving license, for printing an invalid air ticket, for stealing somebody's (hot) body and for making a camera that doesn't work.
you are also wanted for stopping my breath (for a few seconds), for causing me to go hysterical, and for making me break my secret bao yang regime last night (didn't sleep before 12midnight )): )
due to the atrocities of the above crimes, i find you guilty as charged and you shall be detained without a trial. you are sentenced to stand by me for the next 56 years (given current estimate of the life expectancy of a Singaporean female). and during this life imprisonment, you shall live in the cells of my heart.
no appeal is allowed, so be prepared to put up with the harsh conditions ahead. thank you for your kind attention.
21.2.10
going back on my words
forgive me if updates have been scarce.
my laptop refuses to cooperate. its fan wouldn'http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=14103796&postID=7636907158409523189t start up, so sometimes i may not be able to switch it on for days. i can't blog during work, but thankfully i can still check my email accounts.
anyway, now that i managed to get my laptop working, i thought i'd squeeze out a post because i won't know if these would be the final words that i'd be typing on this computer. don't expect a lengthy post because it's 2am and way past my bedtime. so here we go...
in the recent year, i have been taking back many of the words that i'd said before.
for example, when i was twenty years old, i used to say that i have no intention of getting hitch. now that i'm (almost) 24, watching all the weddings (in real-life and on television) actually makes my heart waver. now i secretly hope to get married by 26, so that i can be a young bride and go for an adventurous honeymoon.
some years back, i wrote that time is like an escalator. you could be standing still in one place, yet time drags you along and thrusts you forward. yesterday, i realised i was wrong about this. maybe time is not the escalator. maybe i am the escalator. i am the conveyor belt, the one that goes round and round. i'm always under the false impression that i'm moving forward, but in reality, i am merely moving in circles. i would travel with many passengers to their destination, but after each short trip, i must roll back and return to the same spot. the friends come and go, people get off and move on, but i must always remain in the cycle. i don't know why, but i just cannot get past a certain line. so eventually, the motion becomes so mechanical, and i find myself running on auto-pilot.
anything that's mechanical breaks down after a while (like my laptop fan). if it cannot be fixed, then i can only count down to its expiry date.
my laptop refuses to cooperate. its fan wouldn'http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=14103796&postID=7636907158409523189t start up, so sometimes i may not be able to switch it on for days. i can't blog during work, but thankfully i can still check my email accounts.
anyway, now that i managed to get my laptop working, i thought i'd squeeze out a post because i won't know if these would be the final words that i'd be typing on this computer. don't expect a lengthy post because it's 2am and way past my bedtime. so here we go...
in the recent year, i have been taking back many of the words that i'd said before.
for example, when i was twenty years old, i used to say that i have no intention of getting hitch. now that i'm (almost) 24, watching all the weddings (in real-life and on television) actually makes my heart waver. now i secretly hope to get married by 26, so that i can be a young bride and go for an adventurous honeymoon.
some years back, i wrote that time is like an escalator. you could be standing still in one place, yet time drags you along and thrusts you forward. yesterday, i realised i was wrong about this. maybe time is not the escalator. maybe i am the escalator. i am the conveyor belt, the one that goes round and round. i'm always under the false impression that i'm moving forward, but in reality, i am merely moving in circles. i would travel with many passengers to their destination, but after each short trip, i must roll back and return to the same spot. the friends come and go, people get off and move on, but i must always remain in the cycle. i don't know why, but i just cannot get past a certain line. so eventually, the motion becomes so mechanical, and i find myself running on auto-pilot.
anything that's mechanical breaks down after a while (like my laptop fan). if it cannot be fixed, then i can only count down to its expiry date.
7.2.10
all my single (chinese) ladies
next sunday can't get any worse for any single chinese ladies out there.
why is it so? because it's the first day of lunar new year. lunar new year may be a time of festive fun, delectable pastries, angpao collecting (or giving, depending on your marital status =p), rejuvenation of familial relations, mahjong, shopping and holidaying! but isn't going to be all roses. everyone has their own set of worries with the festive season. for the married couples, they have to fork out hundreds of dollars to give to their single relatives. for the single adults, they have to prepare themselves for the dreadful interrogations from nosy relatives.
and this brings me to my main point. with valentine's day falling on the first day of the lunar new year, there can't be a better time to torment your single relatives and friends about their marital status. trust me, during chinese new year, your relationship status gets even more public than broadcasting it on facebook. it becomes a common knowledge, as relatives come together in an attempt to improve your love life. they will offer to introduce their colleagues or friends, they will encourage you to join a dating agency, they will nag at your faults (like "you're too picky", or "you need to doll up a bit", or even worse - "maybe you should lose some weight"). some of them may be genuinely concerned for your future, but some may just be taking the chance to get back at you for stepping on their toes last year.
very unfortunately, yours truly happen to be single. not only that, i happen to hit mid-twenties this year, and mid-twenties is the age when people actually start getting married. *gasp* this year is going to be such a horror! especially if i have no boyfriend, nowhere to go and no hot dates to attend on the 14th of february!
what shall i do? i have seven more days to go. should i find myself a fake date to appease my relatives? or excuse myself for the visits (and sacrifice my share of angpao money)? or just brush off the awkward questions and laugh it off as i always do?
aunt agony, uncle unhappiness, mother melancholy, father frustration, brother blues, sister sorrow - whoever you are - please lend me your wisdom!
why is it so? because it's the first day of lunar new year. lunar new year may be a time of festive fun, delectable pastries, angpao collecting (or giving, depending on your marital status =p), rejuvenation of familial relations, mahjong, shopping and holidaying! but isn't going to be all roses. everyone has their own set of worries with the festive season. for the married couples, they have to fork out hundreds of dollars to give to their single relatives. for the single adults, they have to prepare themselves for the dreadful interrogations from nosy relatives.
and this brings me to my main point. with valentine's day falling on the first day of the lunar new year, there can't be a better time to torment your single relatives and friends about their marital status. trust me, during chinese new year, your relationship status gets even more public than broadcasting it on facebook. it becomes a common knowledge, as relatives come together in an attempt to improve your love life. they will offer to introduce their colleagues or friends, they will encourage you to join a dating agency, they will nag at your faults (like "you're too picky", or "you need to doll up a bit", or even worse - "maybe you should lose some weight"). some of them may be genuinely concerned for your future, but some may just be taking the chance to get back at you for stepping on their toes last year.
very unfortunately, yours truly happen to be single. not only that, i happen to hit mid-twenties this year, and mid-twenties is the age when people actually start getting married. *gasp* this year is going to be such a horror! especially if i have no boyfriend, nowhere to go and no hot dates to attend on the 14th of february!
what shall i do? i have seven more days to go. should i find myself a fake date to appease my relatives? or excuse myself for the visits (and sacrifice my share of angpao money)? or just brush off the awkward questions and laugh it off as i always do?
aunt agony, uncle unhappiness, mother melancholy, father frustration, brother blues, sister sorrow - whoever you are - please lend me your wisdom!
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