if i plot my life out on paper, it would just be a series of random zig-zags, with many breaks in the line along the way.

and the graph says that ive reached the end of a fluctuation, and its time for a rest.

i was moved to tears by His grace, His love and His presence in my life.

thank You for not forsaking me.

it was like seeing white polka dots scatter over a brown background.

in other words, disgusting.

can you shorten my trip,

i just want to go home to You.

things that would definitely brighten up my day/night:

• watching a serial with a good-looking cast and a light-hearted plot
• seeing my name on a friend's blog entry entitled 'people whom i dont mind sharing a hot fudge chocolate sundae with'
• a hot fudge chocolate sundae
• a polite hairdresser and a satisfying haircut
• dropping a thick stack of books and having a cute passerby to help me pick them up.
• finding a $100-note stuck to the sole of my shoe
• digging out my old clothes and realising that i can still fit inside my primary school uniform
• beating my least favourite, geeky and stuck-up classmate, in a test by one mark
• having a stranger tap on my shoulder, and say 'oops, sorry i thought you were (insert a celebrity's name) '

well, i just thought that nobody likes to read morbid and melancholic posts.

the dartboard is missing,

and so i am throwing darts in all directions.

im tired of constantly searching for things to find joy in.

im going back to my shell and maybe,

ill be happy in my sadness.

(and my self-indulgence. :/ )

death is frightful,

not because we cease to live, but because our spirit, our names, and our legencies cease to linger - a few generations down the road, when all the people that youve ever known reunite with you in their graves, there would be no one left to remember you, to think of you and to validate your existence.

every trace of you would evaporate and be carried away by the gentle breeze, and it would seem as if you have never landed at all.

we are less than three months away from the next year,

and yet, there are still so many more blank pages on my journal.

what happened to the days that ive lost to time and my own pursuits,

what would happen to all the memories that ive had,

and what would become of me when i am gone -

would i be forgotten, would i be erased from your memory, or would i just fade away, just like my impression of you and the entire spectrum of emotions that i have ever felt.

your skin,
oh yeah your skin and bones
turn into something beautiful
d'you know you know i love you so
you know i love you so

-- yellow | tanya chua

i woke up one morning to find out that the clouds have descended.

they have come, in huge numbers, to invade our land, and now they are everywhere - on the streets, outside our offices, in our backyards, occupying on every inch of space that we have. their strategy is to first blur our vision by fogging us out, then suffocate us with the stale murky air, and eventually trapping all of us in our rooms, rendering us helpless and defenceless.

gloom looms, we are all doomed. :/

i hope my smile can distract you
i hope my fists can fight for two
so it never has to show, and youll never know

i hope my love can blind you
i hope my arms can bind you
so youll never have to see, what we’ve grown to be

one may think we're alright
but we need pills to sleep at night
we need lies to make it through the day
we’re not okay

one may think we’re doing fine
but if i had to lay it on the line
we’re losing ground with every passing day
we’re not okay

but that’s one thing i would never,
one thing I would never,
that’s one thing i would never say to you

-- pills | the perishers

under the pretty lanterns and the fanciful lights,
i basked in your love and our friendship.

two years and counting, and im glad that some things (and some people) still havent changed.

you know, i really felt extremely blessed. ((:

do people metamorphosise too?

ive never liked the sight of an exclamation mark or a question mark in this little square, cos ive always felt that this is where i shall unpeel, and the person you may find beneath, may be somebody who is much less than what you think she is and much more than what you think she isnt. in your own eyes, it is always the people, the situation and the environment around you which have seemingly changed, while you sit behind the glass window in a state of stasis, and watch the world in passivity, with low emotional involvement, no anticipation, and no questions asked. you absorb, and accept.

and here ive just placed my first question mark!

perhaps that marks for me, a metamorphosis, a change of status quo, and an exfoilation of my previous skin.

im standing in the middle of a circle.

there are no corners to hide.

what defines our existence, and us.

are we defined by the things we do on a regular basis, and the things that we did in the past; or the words we say, or didnt say; or our academic qualifications that determine our career prospects; or the clothes that we wear and the accessories we match our clothes with; or our social circle and the people we hang out with all the time; or our preferred genre of music and the songs we listen to; or our physical appearance and the society's concept of beauty; or the place that we choose to dine in and the cuisine that we like; or our perception of what is right and wrong, and the thoughts that we choose to express to the public; or the religion that we subscribe to and the 'god' that we worship; or our beliefs and the values that we choose to uphold; or the qualities that we possess and the skills that we can offer to the community.

or are we merely defined by what others think of us, since what we say or do is never really what we set out to mean, but what others interpret our words and actions as.

i dont know why im here, where im heading towards and what im doing everything for. so much for an existential crisis.

it feels like dawn. but it is only 1:23 a.m. in the morning. slumber is knocking on my door.