gymnopedie #1

i hate saturday afternoons.

all the more, i hate to be stuck at home on saturday afternoons doing work that i shouldn't have tucked away during the week. just when i thought things couldn't get any worse, it started to drizzle.

as the afternoon crawled by, my senses sharpened. the musty smell of the books, the stoic face of the afternoon sky, the loud tapping of my fingers on the keypad that has been stained with dirt and sweat, the buzzing of the fan, the whistling of the breeze, the fresh scent of the rain, the mildly bitter taste of chamomile on my taste buds, and the graceful melody of gymnopedia #1 playing against the splattering of the rain - they started to grow on me. they were my only companions in my mental cage.

and the afternoon. the afternoon was so still that it began to sap away the life in me.

i wished my smile was your favourite kind of smile

i am still recuperating from the devastating effect of my three very dull weeks previously. i have been very lazy and i am still trying to recover from a mental block. so i thought maybe i shall speak through a song.

i first heard about kate nash when i was sitting in a friend's car; and ever since, her songs have been stuck in my head. then coincidentally while i was prowling through youtube yesterday, i came across this person who made really lovely videos.

and there it was, kate nash's nicest things:

comfort food series

i was trying to do anything but work, so i came up with a list of food (& drinks) that would always make me day:

1. starbucks' green tea frappecino
2. max brenner's walnut brownie or venezula milk/dark chocolate
   
3. ichiban boshi's teriyaki salmon
4. ikea's meatballs with extra sauce
   
5. shi lin's xxl crispy chicken
   
6. island creamery's pineapple tart ice cream (or any of their sorbet)
   
7. chippy's cheese sausage with mash potato
8. new york new york's caesar salad
9. kim gary's red bean ice
10. crystal jade hongkong cafe's fish fillet baked rice
11. coffee club's muddy mud pie with earl gray tea
12. ben & jerry's strawberry cheesecake
    
13. (and not to forget..) st nick's orange bowl bee hoon soup :D

i wish i had pictures to show you how good some of these are! anyhows, back to work now. ):

i just called to say i love you

there's so much more i want to say to you, so let this just be the beginning of more good times and sharing to come. (:

this has to be my best birthday ever

the day has barely started but there are just some people that i'm dying to thank.

i know that i am not young anymore. my priorities in life have changed, and my circle of close friends have been shrinking while my base of acquaintances have been expanding. presents have become much less appealing, while little gestures of kindness and love speak much louder to me these days.

thank you my honours class for the super big surprise on stage. i have seen this happen on stage before, but i never imagine that it would ever happen to me.

thank you my three crazy girls - eleen, cheryl and sam, for mr giraffe, and for putting all my ugliest pictures together for the funniest photoframe i've ever seen.

thank you lays, limjays, changnings, kel and twl for spending the last few moments of my 22nd year with me.

thank you zhaowei for being my dearest brother (and the very lovely porter bag).

thank you cheryl (again) for the piano piece, and the "two crazy girls singing" piece. i'm going to bed tearing because of you (awww...)

i shall end off with this very moving song. because a loved one has shared it with me and touched my heart, i hope that you too would be able to share with somebody you love and touch their heart.

shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned lovings

i have been touched by 40 angels.

one of them was a child who wants to be with her pa for forever, while another one of them was ah beng wanna-be whose mohawk and sheepish smile made him a favourite. there was a gangster whose haunting past continue to impact the path he chooses in life, and not to forget his very guai sister who was always at home, waiting for her abang's return. many of them were noisy aunties with lipstick so sensationally red and eye shadow of an egyptian blue, and one of them was a too-good-to-be-true boyfriend whose other personas include background physical instructor with obscenely short shorts and a Leonardo DiCarpio wanna-be (super ai yan). and there was a fine young lady who had no knack for lying or geography, and her father whose love for her helped him to overcome his disability. of cos, there were his three other friends who were just a little different, and five very sexy dancers who got all the male audiences captivated. finally, there was an abusive husband whose alter ego was also a hunky but effeminate gangster (to the disbelief of many people), an abused wife who should have taken herself away from all these, and a ballerina daughter who was scarred for life because of the rippling effects of the abuse.

and very importantly, there were the two gorgeous ladies who hid behind the curtains, behind the scenes, but they were the reason behind all our successful runs. also, there were another two who were hiding upstairs, looking at us through the window, and were responsible for all the coordination of the two plays. they too, worked very hard for our success. and of cos, there were also two others who were upstairs, busy playing with the switches, busy switching between lights and sounds. finally, i must not leave out the five very charming ladies in dresses and suits who carried themselves with much poise and elegance (they were the most xinji!), the guy who were went to the collection of books upstairs to print readings (judge!), the five women in black who could move so swiftly and with such precision in the dark, and the two young ladies who helped to fill everyone's stomach and quench our thirst. altogether, they were all just as dazzling as the cast.

all of them are not just a little special, they are very, very special to me. because at some point in time during the past four months, they have entered my heart, filled it with colors and won themselves a place inside. at some point, they have touched my life, and made a lot of difference to me. and i will remember them, by their names, by their faces, by the times we've spent together, by the warm quiet glow that they brought into my life. thank God, thank you that it happened.

can i buy some time from you?

tomorrow, i need to wake up at 730am to do my interview transcript, then reach nlb by 10am for 6 hours of rehearsal (during the lunch hour, i need to do coding for my three interviews so far), then rush down to sembawang road for tuition, then reach jurong point by hopefully 8pm for a friend's birthday celebration. i hope my day will end by 12 midnight so that i have time to prepare for my consultation with my supervisor at 9am on friday morning.

and right now, my eyes are half-shut and i am almost dead to the world.

when no news is good news

i once read that when people are sick and tired of being sick and tired, they will change. i'm really tired of being tired. i'm tired of answering the same questions, of facing the same problems, of feeling like a shell.

if you don't hear from me the next couple of days, i am probably busy catching up with all the work that i have neglected over the past three weeks, or i could be...dead.

(okay, don't fret. i was kidding about the latter.)

besides, i have too many people to account to. i better step out of the door, and not the window.

we were only freshmen

and how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor,
we fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say.

the vicious cycle of insomnia

the night is always the hardest to get by.

i've exhausted my options. i've tried doing my readings, but i can't concentrate for long, and that makes me even more agitated and restless. i've tried playing freecell or bejeweled, but after a while my eyes get painfully dry. i've tried reading the time traveller's wife but the plot is hardly compelling. in fact, it amplifies to me, my state of stasis, because some of the characters seem to be as stuck as i am. i've tried taking anti-histamines, but the drowsiness only takes effect after one or two hours.

insomnia breeds rumination, rumination breeds distress, and distress breeds more insomnia. and there i would be in the darkness, thinking about all the things i shouldn't think about, and mourning over things i should have long forgotten.

i know you care.

the fact that you are here, or had spoken to me, or had tried to tell me something funny, or had given me a quick hug, conveys your concern, or at least curiosity about me.

i want to thank you. but i find it too herculean a task to tell it to your face, or even smile genuinely at you. but i feel some warmth, and this warmth makes me want to try harder. i am trying very hard. but it seems that this time, it may take a little longer, a little more effort, and a little more strength to get my act together.

don't rob me of my responsibilities and roles. they are the reason why i pull myself out of bed everyday. otherwise, i would very much prefer to stay in bed, and stuff myself with novels.

and please, please be patient. it won't be long before i return. i must, and i will. for you if not for myself.

never let me go by kazuo ishiguro

as much as i love the book, i cannot bring myself to read it a second time. at least not now.

--

i believe everyone compartmentalise their life to some extent.

some people put on their best behaviour in front their superiors or their friends because they want to get into people's good books; some tuck their less desirable traits away from public scrutiny so that they can appear to be a person of good character; some would only display the worst part of them to loved ones, because they feel that that is where they would be safe to show their ugliest or most vulnerable side; while others choose to save their most dazzling side for their loved ones, because they feel that the latter bring out the best in them.

whatever it is, everyone is like a diamond. we all have different sides to us - that is how we shine and maintain our uniqueness.

but everyone also has a part of them that is insecure, a part of them that is lonely; a part of them that is unsatisfied, a part of them that feels unloved; a part of them that is confused, a part of them that is afraid; a part of them that is uncertain about the future, a part of them that cannot make sense of their past; a part of them that feels inadequate, a part of them that feels inferior; a part of them that regrets, a part of them that regresses; a part of them that suppresses, and a part of them that represses.

but when all these different parts converge at once with my usual cheerful self, that is when i find it so hard, so frightening to deal with.

i cannot bring myself to pen any further.

half of me went to school today.

she went in my place, because this part of me was stuck on a ferris wheel that wouldn't stop to let me off. she took the bus to school, and managed to make her way to the correct classroom in a blue building. upon her arrival, she greeted everyone who acknowledged her presence, and smiled whenever somebody waved at her. she sat down at the back of the room, and observed the the man who was standing at the front of the class. the man would alternate between speaking and acting, and the class broke into hysteria everytime he did the latter. she tried to listen to what the man was saying, but somehow the words that came out of his mouth hung momentarily in the air, only to disappear before she could match them to her vocabulary. however, she managed to disguise her disorientation by laughing along with the crowd or nodding everytime the man finished a string of words. and occasionally her hand shifted to the paper in front of her, so that she could scribble down a few words that she saw on the screen in front. all these were part of the plan to fit in, to camouflage, and to go unnoticed.

during the break, everyone was ushered out of the class to sit at a porch outside the block. everyone sat in rows so she slipped herself into one of them. in front of them, was a small black box that stood on fours. somehow, she picked up that she was supposed to smile whenever the little orange light at the corner of the black box flickered, so she acted accordingly. several flickers later, two girls appeared with two gigantic round bread that had a lot of colourful ingredients and some candles on them, and the class broke into a song. then four people in the class closed their eyes for ten seconds, and blew off the candles. everyone put their hands together in a rapid motion, so she joined in the symphony of claps as well.

unfortunately, she wasn't made to last through the afternoon. during the second half of the lesson, she started to feel very sleepy. thankfully, when a woman with big round spectacles and curly hair appeared on the screen in front, somebody switched off the lights so that the on-screen image could be seen more clearly. she took it as a cue to plop against the wall behind her and shut her eyes. when the lights came on, she saw everyone packing their bags, and thought it was time to leave. but a couple took over the class, and started talking about this "envy pc" thing which didn't make much sense. she hid her boredom behind an earnest-looking face, and even asked a three-word question! but the speaker's reply failed to infiltrate into her brain.

so that summed up her day. she survived the trip to school and has finally returned to me after a long and dreary afternoon. and still, i'm stuck on the ferris wheel. still, i feel less complete than i should.

25 things you didn't know about me (blog edition)

discontented with the one that i wrote on facebook, i decided to write a new one...here. (:

well, for those who are clueless about the 25-things thing, it resembles one of those chain mails with an endless list of questions that people used to write and tag their friends in, so that the latter have to answer the questions and pass it on. only this time, there was only one question, which was to write twenty-five things that people didn't know about you.

i hadn't put much thought into it when i wrote my first one, so i shall attempt to consolidate a more interesting list of things now. the truth is, writing this might be even more difficult than writing a testimonial for yourself. but nonetheless you might just enjoy writing one too (: because it helps you to rediscover yourself.

1. if i can have one supernatural power, i would want to have the ability to heal people and steal their pain.
   
2. the three things that i fear losing most are my sanity, my limbs and my eyesight.
3. as much as i like social work, it is only one of my three ambitions. the other two are website designing and advertising, but i decided they were too unrealistic for me.
4. i genuinely hope i die young. in fact, i hope i die at the peak of my life.
5. i think i almost suffocated in a children ball pool when i was young.
   
6. one of the reasons why i would never want to have kids is because i do not believe in unconditional love.
   
7. contrary to J who tried to kill her brother twice, my brother actually saved my life once (or so i think). i have no recollections but from what i gathered, apparently he saw me foaming at the mouth during a nap (when i was a toddler), then he alerted my mum who called the ambulance.
   
8. i really hate wearing accessories, even though i do wear them once in a blue moon. in fact, i suspect i might not even want to wear my wedding ring next time (if i do get married, that is)
9. whenever i walk on a pavement with checked tiles, i have a tendency to adjust my strides according to the tiles, and stepping over two tiles at the same time makes me cringe. of cos, this only happens when i'm not in a hurry and i'm alone, so i am still pretty rational.
10. i long to go back to church actually, but i am terrified of the commitment.
11. i always feel a sense of irrevocable fear that people around me will suddenly die or get into an accident. i know where this fear originated from, but i can't help it.
12. i really love looking at stuff toys. if i were filthy rich, i would buy a whole shop of stuff toys, including the shop itself, so that i can go there anytime and swoon at the toys.
13. i loved st nicks to death, until i went to hwachong. and i loved hwachong to death, until i came to social work honours. so i conclude that my life is still going uphill.
14. i have confessed to a guy before (hahaha!) and i swear that i would never ever do it again.
15. i get a kick out of proving people wrong.
16. i can never fall asleep lying on my back. it's either on the sides, or face-down for me.
17. when i was down, i used to just board the first bus that comes to the bus stop and see where it takes me to. but there was once in jc when i boarded the bus at 11-ish at night, and i ended up in some secluded place near little india, with a low-batt phone and no money. it wasn't long before fear got the better of me, and thank God i managed to find my way back home eventually. it is not surprising that i don't do that anymore.
    
18. i am usually very optimistic when it comes to exams. i always think that whatever i didn't study won't come out.
19. i suspect i have mild bpd, but i will never know cos i will never see a doctor about it.
    
20. after watching the exocist in j2, i decided that i would never go to africa in my life.
    
21. when i make somebody a present, that's cos i want the person to remember me. when i ask somebody to make me a present, that's cos i want to remember the person forever.
22. okay wait, i don't believe in forevers. so i'd say for a long time at least.
    
23. i was born on the 23rd. that's the only reason why my favourite number is 23. and guess what? i'm turning 23 this year.
24. the first time i cried in front of a crowd was during my jc council election, when we had a Q&A session with our own faculty. YF, my campaign partner said something very nice about me that made me cry. and i cried partly because i was very touched, and partly because i was really ashamed of the fact that all i cared for was myself.
25. even if i could turn back time, i wouldn't. because i wouldn't have known many of my good friends back then, and i dread the idea of not having them in my life.
    

something very close to my heart

Thesis: A Doublebill, is a social work production initiated by my honours class to showcase the talents of our fellow social work students, raise the profile of the social work department, and more importantly, to raise public awareness about pertinent social issues that social workers deal with, namely domestic violence and public acceptance of the intellectually-disabled.

Thesis is made up of two original plays that are produced from scratch, by our very own students. from conceptualising the production, to writing the script, sourcing for sponsorship, designing the posters, garnering support from the social service agencies, preparing the props and sets for the play, directing, casting and acting, every single bit of the production is borne by the forty of us in the class. we may be amateurs and inexperienced, but that doesn't prevent us from aspiring to make a contribution to society. you may be broke, or uninterested in plays, but i hope that wouldn't prevent you from coming - because your presence would make a difference to us, and i assure you, our play would make a difference to you.

hence i would like to appeal to you, my dear readers to show your support for what my class and i have been working very hard for. Details can be found here at the website and i hope to see your face among the audience at the drama centre black box, on the 20th or 21st of february. (: