after two weeks of grinding through my readings, my mind is hungry for television and literature. it needs fiction, not non-fiction.

i need to plan for a weightloss programme after fourth may, not only for me, but my brain as well. it is getting too heavy with all the excess information that i no longer need.

i seem to have forgotten that my excruciating exams are not over YET. but for now, instead of running to catch up, i can finally take a stroll in the park.

after one busy week, i finally had a decent msn chat with my bestie! :D

me: ohhs!i just realised today that i really like mammoths!!!
bean: I LOVE MAMMOTHS
bean: HAHAH SO DAMN CUTE
me: like giraffes,lions,tigers,leopards..ETC!
bean: i have a mammoth !
bean: have u seen it?
me: HAHAHHAHHAHS!YEAHHHHS!
bean: a ty mammoth
bean: beanie baby
bean: let's see
me: ohhs, WAIT..
bean: i like gorillas, manatees, cows, ducks, pigs
bean: hippos?
me: mammoth is the kind of animal with fur and give birth right?
me: hahahhs
me: then whats the ancient animal that looks like an elephant?
bean: mammoth
bean: its a mammoth
bean: kind of animal with fur?
me: ahhahahhs!ohnooos..
me: animals who have fur and give birth..
bean: MAMMAL
bean: HAHAHA
bean: MAMMAL
bean: OMG

the best part is, i dont have to be anything else but myself. (:

adia, i do believe ive failed you.
adia, i know ive let you down.

after three papers, i still havent learnt my lesson of allocating my two hours properly.

i underestimated the cost of that, so i paid the heavy price today.

just when i thought everything went wrong today -

i felt stabbed the first thing in the morning, i fared poorly for an important term assignment, i didnt manage to finish my exam paper, i quarrelled with my brother over a stupid cockroach.

- i took a step back and look at the little comforts i got in return.

well, i bumped into an ex-classmate whom ive been wanting to catch up with; i spent the day studying and laughing over silly things with a friend; i had my favourite fried fish hor fun for lunch; i managed to rush home in time to catch the nine-oclock serial (yes, i hate to admit, but i watch it fervently every weekday!); i received a happy email; i was rather touched by a blog entry on one of my good friend's blog.

there can be so many reasons to smile about even on a bad day. you just have to find them.

apparently, some people are under the impression that my name is synonymous with good results, like 'michael jackson' with paedophile or something.

after exams, there is time enough to swim to the surface of the water to take a deep breath before diving to the bottom again.

physics is relevant to our everyday life.

if you place two marbles on the floor some distance apart, and you roll them towards each other at high speed, they would collide, exerting a great force on each other, causing them to move apart in the opposite direction. eventually, they would slow down and end up at an equilibrium position, possibly more distant from each other than before.

however if you roll the two marbles at a slower speed, they would take a longer time to collide, (or they might not even collide) and even when they do, they merely bounce off lightly, and finally they would stop at an equilibrium position which is probably closer to each other than where they started.

people who come together too quickly, have the potential to drift apart as quickly too.

i hate making mistakes.

not because i dislike getting something wrong, or i like being right all the time, but because i know i would not be able to stop brooding over it. it is like a chain reaction that sets off hours later, when the thoughts take on an intrusive form. the scene would keep replaying in my mind, and i would begin to lose focus in whatever i am doing, and my plans become disrupted.

it is acceptable to make mistakes when we are inexperienced, or when we dont know what to do; but what if we went ahead with the mistake knowing the answers all along.

dirty toilets, second-rate movies, and a suicidal friend.

with the queerest dreams every night, it is no wonder why my brain has been getting inadequate rest during sleep.

why does God threaten to take away life from some who yearn it, and breathe life into some who dread it.

it seems that all my memories of everything good and bad, have been tinted grey.

a distant call and the familiar voices.

sometimes i wonder if i cling on to things excessively. some things dont change, but most things do, because people move on to better places, to seek greater heights, and new comforts in another stage of their lives. it is like driving on a highway - if you slow down, you either get overtaken, or hit by the traffic behind. sometimes, you may find somebody who is driving in the same direction and the same route as you, but eventually, they would take a different turn somewhere along the way, to head to their own destination. or you may choose to follow them for the sake of companionship, only to discover later on that that is not really where you want to go. i like the present, but the past always seem more appealing. maybe because the past has already happened - it makes me more secure, rather than to struggle in the unpredictability of the present and the future.

the days of my youth is over, and i have passed my prime.

when i woke up today, the afternoon sun had already penetrated through my curtains, and the heat and humidity in the room was overbearing.

it was like reality smacked in my face.

this is so weird,

how this sense of detachment from self keeps coming back - the feeling that i dont exist, that i dont really know what im doing, that i am losing control of everything, that whatever im seeing is merely an illusion, that somebody is watching me, that i am trapped inside my body, that there are incongruencies in my memories.

and two nights ago, i remember trembling in fear when my insomnia sparked off a series of frightening thoughts. my mind became completely paralysed when i started wondering what could possibly happen to us after we die - what if, there isnt life after death; what if we just end up falling into an infinite dreamless sleep (but sleep, by definition, is just a periodic state of rest). what if we were wake up to find ourselves in a foreign place which resembles nothing like earth; and what if all our memories become wiped out when we stop breathing.

its a terrible thing to live forever, be it on earth, in hell or in heaven; as a human or as a soul.

and just when i thought nothing could be worse than having no life after death, my imagination proved me wrong.

if it exists, reincarnation would no doubt be the worst.

i dont know when it started.

ive never had any problems with that before. i have been through countless afternoons at home keeping myself occupied with work or television. i have slept through nights alone, with the music on and the occasional footsteps along my corridor. and now, i cannot identify what im afraid of. i just know that regardless of the time of the day, when im alone, and when its dark and stormy,

an inexplicable sense of fear and panic will strike me.

i am so scared. i cannot run - there is nowhere i can run to, and no one.

when it strikes, the pendulum starts swinging from one end to another.

and that marks the beginning of all my troubles.