limited, internal change is possible."
- Virginia Satir
today marks the completion of my first year as a social worker.
given the well-known fact that social work is an unlucrative job, people always ask me why i still decided to venture into it. and the answer i always give ("that i wanted to be in the helping profession") is the simplest reason i can think of, without getting too personal. but what i've never quite talked about, is why i would want to be in the helping profession.
the truth is, there is a cynic in me who believes that everyone is selfish and driven by self-interest. i believe people would steal if nobody is watching, people would lie if nobody else knows the truth, people would kill if they can get away with it - and people would all these just to advance their own interests.
however, there is also a child in me who tells me that people are capable of change. people are capable of compassion, love, empathy, kindness, honesty, righteousness, selflessness and every positive trait - if they experience it from someone else first. the child in me also believes that there are genuinely good people around - good people who will not attempt to harm me, steal from me, take advantage of my weaknesses. good people who will hopefully kill the cynic in me and make me see that life is worth living.
so going into social work became like a treasure hunt for me. i wanted to search for goodness in people. i wanted to breed kindness, humility and compassion in me. i was hoping that i can change myself, and change others for the better.
in my four years of studies, i have met many wonderful counterparts who have displayed what Carl Rogers termed as 'unconditional positive regard', genuineness and goodness. many of them were selfless, many of them had no hidden agenda, many of them were truly kind and accepted me for my flaws. in my one year out in the field, i've witnessed a lot of resilience and strength in my clients. i have also seen clients change for the better, and i hold this small "successes" close to my heart.
but today, i was told by a stranger, in an implicit manner, that it's not my client, but me who is resistant. the stranger told me that i am the one who is not willing to change. that i am rigid. that i have an agenda. that i live in a bubble. that i cannot differentiate what is right or wrong.
every negative trait that i had wanted to avoid, that i would loathe others to have, i was deemed to have it. i wanted to argue. i wanted to protest. i wanted to defend myself but i just couldn't find the right words. everything i said subsequently worked against me and made the stranger draw harsher conclusions about me.
now i feel like i have been branded as a minion of the very evil i've been trying to fight. i feel like i have been banished to the place where i came from but have no desire to be. i feel as if God has passed a judgment on me and sat on it.
and the silence that followed crushed me. it flattened my confidence, it trampled on my beliefs that i was doing the right thing, it killed me, it killed me, it killed me.
