i sat down, and watched everything slipped away from me.

i feel naked, i feel lost, i feel like a baby.

its amazing how within such a short nap, i had a seemingly long dream that seemed to have compressed some of my desires, anxieties and fears into one.

in my dream, i woke up (ironically) to a late cloudy afternoon wanting to get ready for my classes, only to realise that i got the timing wrong and had already missed it. i first reacted by feeling a heavy sense of guilt that my friend had probably gone to the class alone, then i checked my phone, and felt very puzzled that the friend didnt make any attempt to contact me at all. so i thought, perhaps my friend preferred to do without my company, and i got out of bed. then all of a sudden, i had an overpowering urge to run away, and on impulse, i got changed in the darkness of my room, (and took forever to get changed cos i just couldnt decide) grabbed my essentials, and hit the road.

fast forward and i found myself along a highway. i got acquainted with a girl of my age, who had just ran away on her wedding day, together with her mother who assisted her in her ploy. they offered me a seat on their car, their wardrobe, and their company, but i ungratefully refused. i thought i couldnt trust these two strangers whom i have just met, i thought it would not make any difference to me, or to them, and i thought that i would rather be alone. i chose to be stupid, i chose the opinion which i would regret more, and i chose to retreat. so once again, i began to set off on my own, and there was where it all ended.

i cannot think in colours.
it is no wonder even my dreams are in shades of grey.

it was like déjà vu.

i have been so foolish, to make the same mistake all over again.

i need somebody to not only tell me that its okay if i were to go for it, but also reassure me that it would be all right if i were to give it up.

i think i need some divine intervention.

this is such a painful decision,

to choose between what i really want to do, and what i need to do. in life, as much as there are dreams which we want to pursue and things that we'd really like to do, there are always obligations that we cannot run away from, and promises which we made to others and to ourselves, that we have to keep. i cannot always put work above everything, and everyone else, and i cannot always do what i want all the time. furthermore, for the first time in a long time, i dont even feel confident if i would be able to live up to others' expectations, let alone my own.

time, opportunity and people wont wait for me. i have to decide soon.

you say i only hear what i want to
you say i talk so all the time

and i thought what i felt was simple
and i thought that i dont belong
and now that i am leaving
now i know that i did something wrong cos i missed you
yeahh i missed you

and you say i only hear what i want to
i dont listen hard
i dont pay attention to the distance that youre running
or to anyone, anywhere
i dont understand if you really care
im only hearing negative, no, no, no

so i turned the radio on, i turned the radio up
and this woman was singing my song
the lovers in love, and the others run away
the lover is crying cos the other wont stay
some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since the day they were born
well, this is not that
i think that im throwing, but im thrown.

-- stay | lisa loeb

its not coming to me yet.

i just hope it strikes me real hard soon, so that i can force myself to get over it, and move on to better things.

the first thing that came to my mind when i woke up just now, was how i am going to spend the week ahead.

i did a quick mental run-through - today i shall go to school for an afternoon lecture, and bumped around till its time for my meeting in the evening; tomorrow i have a morning lecture, followed by some booth duty, and then tuition; on wednesday i have two classes in the day and a meeting in the evening; on thursday, i shall lunch with a friend whom i havent seen for ages, and probably shop by myself again; and come friday, ill be dragging myself to my morning lecture after partying the night before.

i feel bored even writing about my week ahead, let alone live through it.

gloom is sweeping across my fields like a swarm of locusts.

and its going to consume all of my harvest, and all of me.

there are people who have to buy new things or change their look in order to celebrate a new beginning and to make themselves believe that they have moved on to a new phase of life.

i belong to this category of people. i may be physically here at present, but i think my heart still lingers in the sweetness of my foregone summer.

at last, my life is back to normal.

and a normal life means waking up in the morning and not knowing what to do in the day ahead, or just doing what i have to do. it means fulfilling my daily routines, taking my meals on time, and sleeping before the dawn breaks. it means having sufficient time to think about things i dont want to, and having insufficient distractions. it means the absence of something to work for, and the lack of a goal to work towards. it means having the luxury to procrastinate, to bump around and to be lazy. it means feeling down for no particular reason, and for long periods of time. it means regularity, mediocrity and mundanity.

i hate being ordinary.

thank you for the memories, the friendship and everything else. ((:

because i cannot forget, because i cannot let go, because im still living in the yestermonths, because i have never given so much to anything or anyone before, because i have learnt so much about myself and the people around me along the way, because i have done so many things which ive never thought i would do, or be able to do, because i am so emotionally attached to it, because there hasnt been a single night when i didnt think about it for the past eight months, because i yearn to turn back time, because i love it more than anything else now.

and because it was one of the most beautiful things that has happened to me, the only way i can move on is to walk away from it and everyone that has played a part in it.

farewell, and i hope that fate would bring us back together someday.